All rise for the honorable Chairman.
Please sit down. We have no time to waste.
WHAT’S UP, PEOPLE?? HOW YOU DOIN, CLEVELAND?? Did ya MISS ME!!???
You didn’t? You didn’t even realize I was gone? Well put a sock in it, Dolores. We have important business to attend to.
As some of you know, I have been on hiatus/sabbatical/leave of absence/Fijian vacation for nearly five whole years. Our last formal meeting occurred in the pages of The Chronicle, an independent daily at Duke University known to some as “The Independent Daily at Duke University.” At the time, it was also known as “The Tower of Campus Thought and Action,” but I probably fucked that up for everybody. What is it that the kids say? “Sorry I’m not sorry”?
A lot has happened since those bygone days in the postbellum South. Dennis Rodman nuked North Korea, Egypt has a new pharaoh, and America loves Kris Humphries. At least that’s how I understand it.
All right, all right, I haven’t exactly been “keeping up” on what’s been happening in and around the good ole U.S. of A. Turns out it’s not easy to get your cable repaired at an undisclosed location. Why was I in an undisclosed location, you ask? Well…
Remember Lehman Brothers? Bear Stearns? Facebook? All these major brands that contributed to the world’s most recent “Great Recession” had one thing in common through all their insider trading and subprime mortgage brokering:
That’s right, ME. I was at the center of the greatest American financial collapse since the days of Herbert Hoover!
How is it possible? I am immensely POWERFUL, that’s HOW. I am above the LAW. I have a single FAMILY of ALPACAS that I breed for my CHILDREN’S PLEASURE. With each OTHER. Game of THRONES style.
Anyway, at some point during my moste excellente marionette show with the global economy, I was found out. Some Jack Nicholson from Chinatown wannabe decided he was gonna come after me… ME, the always magnanimous and always virile CHAIRMAN of the BORED.
Needless to say, I was outraged. I immediately ordered several of my super-PAC administrators to plant kiddie porn on the guy’s work computer, but it was no use. By the time they broke into his room at the Watergate Hotel he was on a plane to my Alaskan resort/ranch with several “subpoenas” from the United States “government.” Not knowing what any of this really meant, I had no choice but to flee.
Nearly 60 whole months passed, which brings us to today. What happened in the interim is interesting only to Marlo Thomas and 2006 Olympic figure skating silver medalist Irina Slutskaya. And even they have probably forgotten it by now…
Now, some of you are probably still wondering why I left. Why not take down those pompous Supreme Court justices like Kimbo Slice at a bat mitzvah? Well, as I said before, I am nothing if not magnanimous and virile. I humbly retreated to my seaside getaway in the south of France in order to save the company.
That’s right, this company. The company for which all of you, my intrepid readers, work. I could not let the lives of millions of my trusting employees be destroyed simply because I turned the world economy into one big Bernie Madoff key party. After all, if there’s nobody left to buy in, the whole thing falls apart. So I thought to myself, “Why not let this whole thing blow over and come back once people have stopped thinking about money and started binge watching Orange is the New Black“?
Boy, was that a successful plan. Turns out the government is so concerned with my former employee (and beer pong CHAMPION) Edward Snowden that I was able to slip back into the country unnoticed. Hell, they didn’t even check my bags at customs. And I had two baby alpacas in my carry-on.
So now I’m back, and all that’s left for me to do is re-assume my place at the forefront of American industry and fraud. I’ll start by writing every so often on topics that interest me, from alien abduction to cats that look like people. I will call these meetings weekly, bi-weekly, semi-weekly, or not at all. You MUST CHECK THE WEBSITE TO SEE IF YOU’VE MISSED ANYTHING. Lateness to meetings or on assignments will not be tolerated. Oh, and Jodie…
Got that, everyone? There’s a new old sheriff in town. And he’s a badass motha who won’t take no crap off of nobody. It’s been too long, I know, but I’m back to show this company, and the world, who’s boss.
In short, let’s kick some ass.
THE CHAIRMAN is happy to be back alive. He would like to thank Macaulay Culkin and the entire production team behind Magna Carta Holy Grail.