Internal Memo for Monday, 10/28/13

Friends and Colleagues,

As some of you know, I have been sending out a weekly newsletter to keep our humble employees apprised of various goings-on in the world.  However, I have been derelict in my duty by not keeping this site updated with said newsletters (or, as they are commonly known, “Internal Memos”).  Thus, I will begin updating weekly as they come in.  In the meantime, please enjoy the last few, which I will be posting throughout the next few days.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Monday, 10/28

Good Afternoon, Friends and Colleagues!  Don’t forget to get your flu shot (and free mechanical pencil!) in the cafeteria on the third floor.  If I get sick, you’re all fired!  Just kidding!  Or am I?  Onto the business!

Rock icon Lou Reed, 71, has died.  He is survived by his wife, Laurie Anderson, and 65 posters of his likeness in Hampshire College dorms.

Saturday’s World Series Game 3 between the Red Sox and Cardinals ended on a controversial obstruction call.  Upon making the call, third base umpire and Tea Party member Jim Joyce exclaimed, “See?  Obstruction is the answer.”

More than 5,000 pounds of broccoli salad has been recalled due to the possibility of Listeria contamination.  This will not affect school lunches, as they have been devoid of vegetables since 1987.

Congratulations to Anna in accounting on the new baby!  Josianah is a weird name, but that kid’s gonna be all right.

The Pope has topped 10 million Twitter followers.  As expected, he still only follows himself.

The HealthCare.gov website designed to help people buy insurance within the framework of Obamacare has recently been rebooted after experiencing myriad problems.  Don’t worry, we have our best people making sure it doesn’t stay up for long.

Jerry, see me in my office immediately.

R&B singer/domestic abuser Chris Brown was arrested early Sunday morning in Washington D.C and charged with felony assault.  When asked for comment, Brown replied: “What?  Everybody knows I’m an asshole.”

A deadly earthquake in Pakistan has caused the formation of an entirely new island off the country’s coast.  International law dictates that the island and all of its inhabitants are now property of Richard Branson.

In sporting news, New York Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano reportedly wants a 10-year, $305 million contract.  Cano is repped by rapper Jay-Z, who said in a statement, “He wants that Picasso money.  Picasso Picasso Warhol.  Jasper Johns.  Kandinsky.  Paul Allen.  Cezanne Cezanne Georgia O’Keefe.  The Neue Gallery.  HOV!”

Surgeons in China have intentionally grown a nose on a patient’s forehead.  When asked about the operation, Chinese government spokesman Hua Chunying said, “It’s a metaphor for what we’ve been doing to the United States for decades.”

That’s all for today, drones.  Keep up the good work, everyone!  Semper fi nocturnum!

– The Chairman

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