Internal Memo for Monday, 11/04/13

Loyal Employees,

Below is the second in a recent series of Internal Memos that have been circulating.  As I have previously mentioned, I will endeavor to begin updating these as they come in.  But, in the meantime, please enjoy this entry from November 4th, 2013.

-The Chairman

Good evening, dignitaries, heads of state, and honored guests.  Let’s get right to the minutes from the meeting of our lives.

A German magazine is reporting that a 2011 police raid of an octogenarian’s apartment liberated over $1 billion worth of art stolen by the Nazis.  The Hollywood film about the raid, starring Christoph Waltz as both the apartment owner and the police chief, began shooting last week and will be ready in time for the 2015 Oscars.

Last week, Stanford University students again took part in the annual “Full Moon on the Quad” celebration, where upperclassmen welcome freshmen to campus by kissing them.  The tradition is adapted from an ongoing, more explicit Arizona State tradition students call “College.”

Jerry, what have I told you about using the women’s bathroom?

US drug company Johnson & Johnson has reached a $2.2 billion settlement in a case involving the fraudulent marketing of schizophrenia drugs Risperdal and Invega, and the heart failure drug Natrecor.  The company has since issued a statement calling their “No More Tears” slogan “unfortunate.”

I’d like to take a minute to recognize Anna in HR for her fantastic pumpkin carving at the Halloween party.  It’s like Jakob Dylan was in the room with us!

Maine gubernatorial candidate Mike Michaud has come out as gay.  I don’t care.  Do you care?  Yeah, me neither.  Ya know, it’s weird that that’s news.  Ya know?  I mean, in this day and age.  I certainly don’t care.  Who cares?  Who cares, anyway?  I know I don’t.  Ya know?  Good.  Yeah.  Good.

The African mosquito known for spreading Dengue and Yellow Fever has been spotted in California.  Though scientists do not fear an outbreak of disease, government officials have already begun an aggressive campaign to tax the insect out of the state.

Congrats to Stephen and Geena Havermayer for winning the companywide costume contest!  Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly never looked so good!

An NYU student has been rescued after being trapped between two Manhattan buildings for nearly two days.  The incident has caused many current parents to question the school’s policy on what constitutes an “independent study.”

You were all an hour late to work on Sunday.  What happened?

An Oklahoma man shot his friend in the back while the two allegedly searched the woods for Bigfoot.  The gun, like Bigfoot, has not been found.

If you still haven’t gotten a flu shot, you’re fired.  The rest of you, keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

PS- Some of you have been wondering about the frequency of these emails.  Until further notice, they will happen weekly on Monday.  If any employees (or prospective employees) of the company have yet to sign up, make sure they do so here.  Forward.


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