Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/12/13

Dearest Worker Bees,

Here again is one of the weekly memos I’ve been sending out lately.  Let this also serve as a reminder to sign up for said memo (if you haven’t already done so) here.  I hope to catch up to the current one soon enough but, in the meantime, this will have to do.  Hope you’re having a phenomenal Wednesday evening at work!

-The Chairman

Yahtzee!  Suck it, Jerry.

Miley Cyrus is in hot water this week after smoking what appeared to be a joint onstage while accepting her MTV European Music Award in Amsterdam.  Her lawyers have issued a statement reading, in part, “As she has repeatedly stated about such matters, Miss Cyrus can’t stop, Miss Cyrus won’t stop, and it is Miss Cyrus’ mouth, she can smoke, kiss, eat, sing, fellate, etc. whatsoever and whomsoever she wants to.”

Florida college basketball player Anthony Allen dunked so hard on Friday night that he broke the rim off the backboard.  The tiny, Christian college has since updated the “Academics” section of its website to read: “Florida College offers a rigorous higher education, taught through the lens of a biblical worldview, with an emphasis on THROWING THAT SHIT DOWN.”

In secular college news, Harvard University’s deficit grew to $34 million in 2013, an increase of nearly $26 million from the previous fiscal year.  The school said it will have to face “increasingly complicated yet unavoidable choices” regarding the deficit in coming years, despite a $32.7 billion endowment.  In related news, can anybody explain to me how colleges work?

Let’s all extend a big thank you to Anna in PR for organizing the company field day this past Thursday.  Girl, you know your croquet!

Hit British television show Downton Abbey has been renewed for a fifth season (or, as the British call it, “series”).  Other things the British say wrong are “lorry,” “mum,” and “football.”

The US Postal Service will start delivering certain packages on Sundays.  This serves as an important reminder that “package” remains a “naughty word,” as defined in Section 7, Article II of the latest company bylaws.  Remember, sexual harassment in the workplace will NOT be tolerated.  Please report any and all claims to Stephen (formerly Stephanie) in HR.  Have a fantastic day!

An Italian man was without his car for five weeks after forgetting where he parked it during Munich’s annual Oktoberfest.  Authorities found the car within a week but held it for four more because, in the words of one German officer, “Italians are ze über dummkopfs.”

Happy Veterans Day!  Don’t forget to donate to our sponsored charity this month, “Scoops for the Troops,” a nonprofit providing returning soldiers and their families with ice cream and frozen yogurt related utensils.  To donate, visit Anna in PR on the third floor.  Anna has already raised enough money for two hot fudge dispensers!

Scientists say Earth is at risk for an increasing number of asteroid strikes in the coming years.  When asked why, one anonymous scientist replied, “Well, if we learned anything from Deep Impact, it’s that asteroid strikes naturally follow the election of a black president.”

A Texas company has created a metal gun using a 3-D printer.  Run.

And the winner of this year’s Robert S. McNamara award for total compliance goes to (drumroll, please)… Anna in PR!  God DAMMIT, Anna, you are on FIRE.

I think I may actually have the flu (hence the lateness of this memo).  Who’s getting fired?

-The Chairman


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s