Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/19/13

Ahoy Mateys,

Yar, it’s the new year!  But it’s never too late to keep updating this blog with booty!  Booty means old memos!  Enjoy!

-The Chairman

E’ening, guvnahs.  Fancy a spot o’ eldahberry pie?  Ha-ha!  Got ya!  If you liked that, you should audition for the company production of Charles Dickens’ classic, A CHRISTMAS CAROL, which will be performed in the outdoor amphitheater December 22-25 (with two shows on Christmas Day!).  You may remember my Tiny Tim from last year, which Bob in accounting called “luminous.”  Ahhh… memories.  Onto the business:

George Zimmerman, acquitted of murder and manslaughter charges in the shooting death of unarmed youth Trayvon Martin earlier this year, has been arrested.  This marks the first arrest under Florida’s new “Fool Me Once…” statute.

Elliott Sailors, a successful female model, has changed her appearance and begun modeling as a man.  In related news, I’m gay.

A Cleveland Wal-Mart is holding a food drive for needy employees this Thanksgiving.  Although this has sparked outrage over the company’s low wages, one grateful worker said, “We work at a Wal-Mart.  In Cleveland.  We need all the help we can get.”

Jerry, the Keurig does not take Nespresso cartridges.  I thought we went over this.

Hollywood cocktail bar The Powder Room has introduced a $500 milkshake to celebrate its grand opening.  Its reported ingredients are milk, ice cream, and an Under-5 role on “Franklin and Bash.”

Recently leaked documents show that Australia has been spying on Indonesia’s president.  So much for American Exceptionalism.

Vietnam has started executing crooked bankers as a means of stopping corruption.  When asked about the radical measures, President Obama, on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard, said, “Yeah, yeah, we’re gonna do that too.”  He then sped off in his brand new Princess 40 M super yacht, a gift from Richard Fuld, formerly of Lehman Brothers.

The TSA has started installing “detention pods” at certain airports, exit doors in which passengers are detained for a few seconds before being allowed to leave.  The TSA released a statement praising the new doors, saying, “We want you to feel as uncomfortable on the ground as you do in the air.”

Anna, another baby?!  Already?!  Seems like WAY less than nine months.  Congrats!  Keep taking that folic acid just in case!

Butterball has announced a shortage of fresh turkeys in advance of Thanksgiving.  When asked how they might make up the deficit, a company spokesman said, “If worst comes to worst, we know we have 535 turkeys in Congress.”

A US teenager was given a reindeer for winning a World Cup skiing event in Finland.  Due to US regulations, she is not allowed to bring the animal back with her, so it will be shipped to the North Pole where it will “work for Santa,” a Finnish euphemism for “be slaughtered and shipped back to Finland for meat.”

Officials at Princeton University are considering the use of an unapproved meningitis vaccine to stop a possible outbreak on campus.  The school has seen seven cases of the rare disease since March.  Princeton’s president, Christopher L. Eisgruber, released a statement reading, “We sometimes forget that Princeton is in New Jersey, a place so foul and disgusting that outbreaks like this are not only possible, but routine.”

Another late memo!  What gives?!  Well, first let me apologize for all the computers being down yesterday.  I’m not gonna name names, but here’s a friendly reminder that it’s “Take Your Dog to Work Day” and not “Take Your Dog to the Server Room Day.”  TTYNW (Talk To You Next Week)!

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget to spread the word to your colleagues and friends.  Here’s the link to sign up:  And feel free to respond to this email with any comments/suggestions/cat videos.  God be with you (and also with me).


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