Internal Memo for Monday, 11/25/13

Good Evening My Little Chicks and Chick Magnets,

Another day, another old memo for you to peruse!  So many goodies!  This one is from Thanksgiving of last year… read it with memories of turkey and stuffing and vomit!  And don’t forget to sign up for future ones HERE: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj !

-The Chairman

I hope you’re all excited for this year’s Thanksgiving party!  The theme, as usual, is Cowboys and Indians.  I’m going as William Tecumseh Sherman.  Which am I?  I’ll never tell!  Onto the business!

Infamous Broadway flop Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark will close in January 2014. Despite its massive financial losses, some insiders predict it will reopen in Las Vegas in 2015.  Producers are eyeing Cher for the role of Peter Parker, with Bette Midler as his wisecracking Jewish aunt Shoshana Goldstein.

The CW is developing a show about a terrorist cell at a “prestigious New York University.”  Forgive me for editorializing, but the CW, with its commitment to authentic storytelling and depth of character aimed at older adults who know better than to imitate what they see on TV, is just the network to do it.

A suspect has finally been arrested in conjunction with a 2008 Los Angeles sword murder.  David Blaine has pleaded the Fifth.

Iran agreed to a deal this week to limit its nuclear program in exchange for lighter economic sanctions.  Critics claim the deal is an act of deception allowing Iran to continue its quest for a nuclear bomb, while supporters say, “We’re Iran!”

Jerry, our building does not have a thirteenth floor.  Please stop telling visitors that’s where your office is.

Wal-Mart has hired a new CEO, just days before Black Friday.  Doug McMillon, former head of the company’s international division, will be 50% off starting at 6 AM and comes with a free heated blanket.  Supplies are VERY limited.

Hugh Jackman posted a picture of himself on Instagram after having skin cancer removed from the tip of his nose.  The Wolverine actor also posted a short note reading, “I hope this will finally put to rest the nasty rumors that my nose was growing because I was lying about being gay.”

Chris Brown has been kicked out of a rehab facility for “acting violently.”  When asked for comment, the sky replied, “Yup.  Still blue.”

Seven cars of an Amtrak train from New Orleans to New York derailed in Spartanburg, South Carolina over the weekend, while Dueling Banjos played slowly in the background.

Let’s all give a big round of applause to Anna in marketing for losing 125 pounds in two weeks on Weight Watchers!  She’s down to 270!  Anna, I know you wanted to be discreet about it, but this kind of achievement should not go unnoticed.  Congrats!

A recent English soccer match between Leyton Orient and Swindon Town was interrupted when a fan ran onto the field and punched one of the goalkeepers.  The match ended in a draw after it was discovered that the whole thing was a publicity stunt for the new Jason Statham thriller The Keeper, in theaters Christmas Day.

Two candidates have claimed victory in Honduras’ presidential election.  One is Toronto mayor Rob Ford who, despite receiving 0% of the vote, said in a statement, “They got drugs there, right?”

The entire office is now outfitted with lead-free fire extinguishers!  Don’t ask.

The Los Alamos National Laboratory has announced new liquid screening technology that could dramatically alter airport security measures.  In an interview with Airline magazine, Laboratory Director Charles F. McMillan said, “Here at Los Alamos, we have always been committed to the comfort and safety of men and women around the globe.  Always.”

Hanukkah and Thanksgiving will overlap this year, a rare occurrence that won’t be seen for another 79,043 years.  At this rate, the only one of us who’ll be around to see it is my wife!  Am I right?  Try the soup.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Half day Thursday!  See you all at 6 AM!

-The Chairman

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