Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/10/13

Great news, plebes- I’ve figured out how to backdate posts!  I will now disingenuously update this blog as if I  had done so as my memos came out.  I published this post on December 10th of last year- see?  Capitalism!

-The Chairman

It has come to my attention that some of you are confused as to the schedule of these emails.  Some have come Monday morning, some Monday evening, and some (like this one) on Tuesday.  Allow me to apologize and assure you that they are all supposed to come out Monday morning, but Jerry is incompetent.  Real professional, jackass.  Onto the business!

Last week, Seattle Seahawks defensive lineman Michael Bennett posed as his team’s more popular quarterback Russell Wilson to get a table at a Seattle restaurant.  Bennett has been cut by the team and is awaiting trial for identity theft, which carries a minimum sentence of 25 years without parole.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have created an experimental treatment that attempts to cure cancer like the common cold.  In related news, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania remain unaware that there is no cure for the common cold.

I forgot to give Anna from sales a shout-out last week on her 10-year anniversary!  Congrats!  I remember when you thought George was just in it for the money!

Several Russian diplomats have been charged with cheating the United States government out of over $1.5 million in Medicaid benefits.  George Venizelos, assistant director in charge of the New York FBI office, said, “We thought we could trust the Russians to abide by the rules of a government program aimed at distributing goods and services evenly among all people.”

A Chinese man jumped to his death over the weekend when his girlfriend insisted on going into one more clothing store after shopping for five hours.  The man was immediately canonized by the Catholic, Anglican, Greek Orthodox, and Episcopalian churches, as well as Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and men everywhere.

According to leaked documents, the NSA has been spying on players of the popular online games World of Warcraft and Second Life.  Among the agency’s findings is an imminent threat of moving out of mom’s basement.

The Holidays are all about giving to those less fortunate.  On that note, we’ve started a collection for Tim in legal’s rhinoplasty.  Please find it in your heart to help- he’s really gotta get that thing fixed.

NASA researchers have determined there was once a lake on Mars.  This information cost $5,603,593,024.99.

Czech Prime Minister Jiri Rusnok is under fire after complaining about having to fly to South Africa to attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral.  On an open mic, Rusnok was caught saying, “Mandela would understand.  It’s a 13-hour flight!  That’s WAY too long to be stuck in an enclosed space.”

Today’s lucky office is 24EEE!  If that is your current workspace, please claim your mystery prize by Wednesday.  Hint: It takes AA batteries!

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson has stepped down from his position as chairman of the board.  He plans to spend his retirement in a blissful savasana.

An Antarctic charity race involving Britain’s Prince Harry has been suspended due to “a higher degree of stress” than expected.  According to a royal spokesperson, an exhausted Harry is headed to Las Vegas to receive emergency doses of cocaine and prostitutes.

That’s all for now, my little dumplings.  Fie on those who seek to ruin our Christmas cheer!  Figgy pudding for all!

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/3/13

OK, my dearest brothers and sisters in labor, I have heard your cries.  You do not want any more introductions to these old memos, you just want the memos themselves.  The post dates will not line up with the memo dates (at least for a while) but SO BE IT.  HERE’S ANOTHER OLD MEMO:

Good evening.  I’ve received some complaints about the theme of the Thanksgiving party.  Some people have called it “racially charged” and “insensitive.”  I call those people “losers.”  Also, to those who would characterize my behavior as “harassment,” I say, “Loosen up, Susan.”  Onto the business!

Two Saudi Arabian women have been arrested for driving in the country’s capital.  One angry cleric denounced the act by saying, “According to the Qur’an, written 1500 years ago, women are strictly forbidden to drive cars.”

In an effort to compete with other, more “American” chain restaurants, the Olive Garden has added a hamburger to its menu.  The burger will be topped with mozzarella, arugula, and a tiny but feisty Sicilian matriarch shouting, “Mangia, mangia!”

The annual Kardashian Khristmas kard is out, and boy, is that family the fucking worst.

Jerry, ink and toner are NOT the same thing.

Elwood, the world’s ugliest dog, has died.  As is the case with all dogs, he will go to heaven, where he will be ostracized for all eternity.

In an effort to win back his estranged wife, a Minnesota man threw 1,000 one-dollar bills onto unsuspecting shoppers at the Mall of America.  When asked about the stunt, his wife replied, “This is why I left him.”

Hawaii has become the 15th state to legalize gay marriage.  A LOTTA PEOPLE GETTING LEI’D TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT AMERICA???  Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out.

The Republican National Committee is under fire for tweeting that Rosa Parks helped to “end racism.”  The tweet read, in part, “Today, we remember Miss Parks’ courageous and honorable decision to sit when offered a prime bus seat by a progressive and compassionate white man.”

English Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced that he is in a relationship with a man.  Lest anyone think he might be a homosexual, he casually added, “Of course I still fancy girls.”  This has been “Great Moments in British Repression.”

Thank you to George in Accounting and Margery in HR for attending the recent professional development workshop with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company!  The rest of you really missed out.  I have never felt so hip!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had the best Thanksgiving weekend ever at the box office, taking in $110.2 million over five days.  Analysts say the success was driven by parents who dream of a world in which teenagers kill each other for sport.

The United Nations has implicated Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes committed during the country’s ongoing civil war.  When informed of the charges, al-Assad exclaimed, “Who, me?  But I’m just a lovable chimney sweep!” before adorably tap-dancing away.

Amazon is experimenting with using unmanned drones to deliver goods to shoppers as soon as 30 minutes after online purchases.  The pilot program, started in Iraq several years ago, has been a resounding success.

A team of researchers has discovered a new sex organ in koalas’ throats.  Scientists hope this will finally end the longstanding debate over which animal gives the best blowjobs.

A leading geneticist from the University of Georgia is advancing the shocking claim that human beings evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a male pig.  The University of Georgia is primarily known for its football team.

Ukraine’s Prime Minister believes his country is in the midst of a coup.  His therapist believes this is just another insidious manifestation of a poor self-image.

Later this week, Canada is expected to lay claim to a vast region of Arctic seafloor, presumably for hockey.

Our computers are now Y2K compliant!

Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to give alms to the poor.  A surprised Jesus said, “If my dad finds out, he is SO grounded.”

Icelandic police have shot and killed a man for the first time in the country’s history.  To be fair, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about Greenland.

Japan’s infamous yakuza mobsters are increasingly turning to financial pursuits, leading some to dub them “Goldman Sachs with guns.”  Goldman Sachs, coincidentally, is often referred to in America as “yakuza without morals.”

I apologize for the lateness of this memo.  I had food poisoning yesterday, which I’m assuming was retaliation for eating everyone else’s food out of the office refrigerator.  Lesson learned.  Keep up the good work!

-The Chairman