Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/10/13

Great news, plebes- I’ve figured out how to backdate posts!  I will now disingenuously update this blog as if I  had done so as my memos came out.  I published this post on December 10th of last year- see?  Capitalism!

-The Chairman

It has come to my attention that some of you are confused as to the schedule of these emails.  Some have come Monday morning, some Monday evening, and some (like this one) on Tuesday.  Allow me to apologize and assure you that they are all supposed to come out Monday morning, but Jerry is incompetent.  Real professional, jackass.  Onto the business!

Last week, Seattle Seahawks defensive lineman Michael Bennett posed as his team’s more popular quarterback Russell Wilson to get a table at a Seattle restaurant.  Bennett has been cut by the team and is awaiting trial for identity theft, which carries a minimum sentence of 25 years without parole.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have created an experimental treatment that attempts to cure cancer like the common cold.  In related news, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania remain unaware that there is no cure for the common cold.

I forgot to give Anna from sales a shout-out last week on her 10-year anniversary!  Congrats!  I remember when you thought George was just in it for the money!

Several Russian diplomats have been charged with cheating the United States government out of over $1.5 million in Medicaid benefits.  George Venizelos, assistant director in charge of the New York FBI office, said, “We thought we could trust the Russians to abide by the rules of a government program aimed at distributing goods and services evenly among all people.”

A Chinese man jumped to his death over the weekend when his girlfriend insisted on going into one more clothing store after shopping for five hours.  The man was immediately canonized by the Catholic, Anglican, Greek Orthodox, and Episcopalian churches, as well as Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and men everywhere.

According to leaked documents, the NSA has been spying on players of the popular online games World of Warcraft and Second Life.  Among the agency’s findings is an imminent threat of moving out of mom’s basement.

The Holidays are all about giving to those less fortunate.  On that note, we’ve started a collection for Tim in legal’s rhinoplasty.  Please find it in your heart to help- he’s really gotta get that thing fixed.

NASA researchers have determined there was once a lake on Mars.  This information cost $5,603,593,024.99.

Czech Prime Minister Jiri Rusnok is under fire after complaining about having to fly to South Africa to attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral.  On an open mic, Rusnok was caught saying, “Mandela would understand.  It’s a 13-hour flight!  That’s WAY too long to be stuck in an enclosed space.”

Today’s lucky office is 24EEE!  If that is your current workspace, please claim your mystery prize by Wednesday.  Hint: It takes AA batteries!

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson has stepped down from his position as chairman of the board.  He plans to spend his retirement in a blissful savasana.

An Antarctic charity race involving Britain’s Prince Harry has been suspended due to “a higher degree of stress” than expected.  According to a royal spokesperson, an exhausted Harry is headed to Las Vegas to receive emergency doses of cocaine and prostitutes.

That’s all for now, my little dumplings.  Fie on those who seek to ruin our Christmas cheer!  Figgy pudding for all!

-The Chairman

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