Hellooooooo, my little Pop-Tarts. I know what you’re thinking: “A Wednesday memo? What gives?” Well, as some of you know, the holidays are my favorite time of year, and I felt it necessary to take three and a half weeks off. Think about it – Christmas, New Years, Epiphany, Boxing Day, Hanukkah usually – there’s a lot to celebrate during our long December. Plus, there’s reason to believe. Onto the business!
A high school student in Georgia has been suspended one year for hugging a teacher. Sam McNair, 17, has released a statement reading, “If she didn’t want a hug, she shouldn’t have worn her hair in that tight bun.”
Two pandas born at an Atlanta zoo in July were inaccurately classified as males. It was recently determined that Mei Lun and Mei Huan were females after they went several months without masturbating.
Chinese doctors saved a Chinese factory worker’s severed hand by attaching it to his calf until the man’s arm healed. Senate democrats are calling it a major victory for Obamacare.
Jerry, I asked you to do one thing while I was gone. ONE THING, JERRY.
The London Metropolitan Police has determined that there is no credibility to rumors that Princess Diana was murdered by the British military. The two branches of government then shook hands, said “Right-o,” and sat down to afternoon tea.
Canada’s Flare Magazine has come under fire recently for its heavily airbrushed June 2011 cover photo of actress Jennifer Lawrence. The charming Lawrence has laughed off the controversy, saying, “It’s Canada- who gives a fuck?”
No foreigners have been granted Belgian citizenship since a January 1st, 2013 law that requires applicants to “have shown, or be able to show, outstanding services to Belgium in fields such as science, sport or culture.” The law is what the Belgians call a “Prise Vingt-Deux.”
And the winner for best New Year’s resolution is… ANNA IN LEGAL. I have complete confidence that you’ll be able to stop that civil war in South Sudan without taking a single day off from work.
Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe claims he was cut because of his outspoken support of marriage equality. Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has denied the allegations, stating, “I don’t care who you are or what you do, just so long as you do your job and buy tickets. Fill the whole stadium up with gays for all I care. Just don’t let ‘em kiss. That’s gross.”
Eight inmates in a Utah prison have taken ill after drinking homemade wine tainted with botulism. Worth it.
A University of Georgia study has concluded that frozen vegetables may be more nutritious than fresh ones. Updating a previous item, the University of Georgia is still primarily known for its football team.
INTERACTIVE CONTENT: There’s another masturbation joke at the end of this email- can you spot it?
An original painting by George Zimmerman sold for over $100,000 on eBay. The painting is titled If I Did It.
British department store Harrods is selling a gold-plated Xbox One for 6,000 pounds, or $9,755. The system is currently on backorder as Kanye West has purchased the first 500.
A Canadian man who lived in a bunker for 14 years to avoid the effects of Y2K has finally emerged. Norman Feller, now 58, has released a statement reading, “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for your lovely catalogue.”
Next memo on Monday, my minions. Now FLY. FLY TOWARDS PROFIT.