Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/22/14

Sup, dicks?  Who wants to see fuckin’ Wolf of Wall Street this week?  OSCARS.

The Super Bowl is set, with the Denver Broncos playing the Seattle Seahawks in New Jersey.  The game is expected to generate record advertising revenue, with one square foot on Peyton Manning’s forehead going for $2.5 million.

Manufacturer Truitt Brothers is recalling over a million pounds of Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets Singles after failing to identify soy as an ingredient.  Twitter user @PerFeCTmom394 wrote, “@kraftfoods U should be ashamed. Soy?? mmy kid don’t eat dat healthy shi*t. Tupac is live”.

Tax season will be upon us before you know it!  Why not get a head start?  James in legal will be holding a seminar on how to set up your very own dummy corporation this Wednesday at 2 PM in the basement.  The password is SWORDFISH.

Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones will join the US bobsled team in Sochi, making her one of only a handful of Americans to compete in both the summer and winter Olympics.  Commentators are speculating that Jones joined the team to tap into the lucrative bobsled endorsement market, valued at approximately $3.2 worldwide.

massive sinkhole has opened up in downtown Detroit.  The space has since been occupied by a writers’ colony calling itself “Independent Sinkers.”

A Maryland mother killed two of her children last week during an attempted exorcism.  The children have since come back to life and are currently terrorizing several promiscuous teens at a house in the wilderness.

A big thank you to Anna in HR for collecting everyone’s snow waivers in time for this latest blizzard.  Remember, if you slip on company property, we will beat your ass in court.  Be safe!!

According to the American College of Sports Medicine’s latest American Fitness Index, the fittest city in America is Minneapolis, Minnesota.  The city’s beloved Mall of America recently became its own municipality, which ranked 764th.

The high value of California’s nut crops has led to an increase in theft.  “I’m confused,” said almond farmer Derek Martin, “I thought for sure they’d steal the pot.”

Jerry, please empty the garbage from your cubicle.  The entire third floor smells like TaB.

From 2002 to 2010, the number of pubic hair grooming injuries in America quintupled.  Experts blame global warming.

HBO is moving episodes of Girls and Looking to Saturday, February 1st to avoid conflicts with the Super Bowl.  This change will not affect viewers watching on the HBO GO app, which is all of them.

Adios for this week, amigos.  See you in a week or when Jacqueline Bisset finishes her speech, whichever comes first.

-The Chairman

PS- It’s about time I gave a “shout out” to our friends at Fark.comYahoo.com and MSN.com for their aggregation of some of these crazy stories.  Good work, pioneers of the Internet.  Keep getting rich off other people’s stuff.

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