Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/29/14

Morning, Grammy snubs.  Let’s get right to the business.

President Obama delivered his fifth State of the Union address last night to multiple standing ovations.  The constant clapping has been hailed as the most left-right coordination the capital has seen in decades.

At one point during his speech, the President said, “I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.”  The subsequent applause was drowned out by the sound of several Founding Fathers turning over in their graves.

Let’s all give a warm companywide welcome to Anna, my newest intern!  C’mon, missy- let’s make that “college credit” count!

Almost 650 people have taken ill on a Royal Caribbean cruise that set sail from New Jersey.  Congratulations, Jersey: you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Football players at Northwestern University have filed a petition to unionize college athletes.  This comes on the heels of a similar petition filed by Northwestern’s Sigma Chi fraternity that reads: “No fat chicks.”

Jerry, we stopped giving guided tours of the office three years ago.  Who were those people?

An elderly Florida man has been arrested for allegedly masturbating in a McDonald’s parking lot.  As a result, the fast food chain is revisiting its one honey mustard policy.

According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting Americans’ personal data through the popular game “Angry Birds.”  “It’s not rocket science, people,” said NSA head General Keith Alexander, “the object of the game is to kill all the pigs.”

It’s awards season, everybody, so why not bone up on your pop culture knowledge ON YOUR OWN TIME.  Just another friendly reminder that we monitor all Internet activity here at the office.

$9.84 charges have been appearing on credit and debit card statements worldwide in what could be a massive scam.  However, it could also be an incredible investment opportunity!  Click here to learn more!

Two Seattle Seahawks fans have named their daughter “Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann” after the team’s nickname for its fan base.  This marks the first time a child has been named after a team’s fans since 2012, when two Philadelphia Eagles supporters welcomed baby “Vincent Randall Asshole Wallace.”

Happy hump day, everyone.  I’ve decided to start sending this memo on Wednesdays in the hopes of boosting morale midweek.  Has it worked so far?  I say yes!  Now get back to work you maggots!

-The Chairman


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