Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/26/14

Good Evening,

The funeral service for Anna from payroll will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Help church on Sanders between Ellington and Broadway.  In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to Anna’s favorite charity, the Marijuana Policy Project.

The New York Jets have signed former Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick, who spent almost two years in prison for dogfighting.  Vick’s deal is said to be worth $5 million, all of which he plans on donating to dog-related charities.  Just kidding.

The White House is reportedly “very concerned” about further Russian aggression in Ukraine.  Just last Friday, President Obama was seen actively using a phone.

New evidence shows that Michael Rockefeller, grandson of John D. Rockefeller, may have been eaten by cannibals.  The evidence comes in the form of New Guinea cannibal chief Ajam, who told reporters, “Rich white guy?  Glasses?  Yeah, I probably ate him.”

Let’s all take a moment to welcome our newest employee, Anna Robertson!  I know, it’s gonna be weird having another Anna in payroll after all that’s happened, but… you’ll get used to it.

Russia has taken over a group of specially trained attack dolphins in Crimea.  “Seriously, guys,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “is there anything more ‘me’ than attack dolphins?”

The National Labor Relations Board in Chicago has ruled that Northwestern football players are university employees and are thus able to unionize.  In typical Chicago union fashion, the players celebrated by bribing several elected officials and beating up Mayor Rahm Emanuel “’til he got the message.”

Jerry, you are not going to be “one and done.”

A recent study using NASA data has determined that society as we know it will collapse in a matter of decades.  “We are living in an unsustainable world,” writes mathematician Safa Motesharrei.  “There is simply too much McConaughey.”

Nick Cannon has come under fire for donning whiteface to promote his new album, “White People Party Music.”  “Y’all white people need to lighten up,” said Cannon.  “Get it?  ‘Lighten up’?  Man, I’m racist.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are separating after 11 years of marriage.  Their child Apple, however, is stuck with that name for the rest of her life.

BRACKET UPDATE: Jennifer from sales is winning, having picked 14 of the 48 games correctly.  You guys suck at this.

Three elite US Secret Service members were sent home from a recent trip to Amsterdam after getting drunk on the job.  “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” said an agent who requested anonymity, “we wear sunglasses like, all the time.”

Speaking in the Netherlands Tuesday, President Obama said that he is more worried about a nuclear bomb going off in Manhattan than he is about Russia.  Russian president Vladimir Putin responded swiftly with a statement reading, “What about both?”

Facebook has acquired virtual reality company Oculus VR for $2 billion.  “This is an historic day,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, “from now on, it’ll be like your advertisers are in the room with you.”

Fuck you, Putin.  Yeah, I said it.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/19/14

Evening sports fans,
 
Let the Madness begin!  The Business Madness, that is.  Gambling is illegal!
 
18 year-old German-American soccer player Julian Green has elected to play for the United States instead of Germany at the upcoming World Cup.  The Florida native is said to feel much more comfortable in America, where peeing on people will never be sexy.

Hundreds of students have occupied Taiwan’s legislature to protest a trade pact with China that, according to one student, “seems hella unfair.”

For the latest on the situation in Ukraine, let’s go to our chief Eastern Bloc correspondent, Anna from payroll.  Anna?

President Obama has filled out his March Madness bracket, picking Michigan State to win the National Championship.  “No matter what happens, all of our nation’s scholar-athletes are winners,” the President said in an interview, “except the ones that lose in this tournament and then fail to graduate.  Sucks for them.”

Malaysia Airlines flight 370 is still missing.  Anybody got any leads?

Passengers on a Greyhound bus from New York to Washington, D.C. were stranded at a Delaware rest stop for several hours early Monday morning due to inclement weather.  “It was a little inconvenient,” said Russ Gerrit, 56, “but I did get the best handjob of my life.”

Anna?

Russia is reportedly “concerned” with the treatment of ethnic Russians in neighboring Estonia, prompting fears of further instability in the region.  “Estonia is not letting ethnic Soviets be Soviets,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “er, I mean… Russians.  Ethnic Russians and Russians.  What’d I say?”
 
This week, comedian Russell Brand made an impassioned plea to the United Nations to decriminalize drug use.  Speaking at a drug-related conference in Vienna, Brand said, “My ex-wife is dating John Mayer, but I can’t do heroin without going to jail.  That is so messed up.”
 
Jerry, SDSU actually stands for “San Diego State University.”
 
Researchers have discovered “gravitational waves” that further support the Big Bang Theory of the universe’s creation and expansion.  God has been unavailable for comment, as he is busy keeping track of who’s having sex before marriage.
 
Authorities have shut down a California-based drug ring that included a voodoo priest and possessed about 100 firearms.  The hero of the case was detective Matthew-McConaughey-in-Ten-Years.

Anna?

Paleontologists have extracted a huge fossilized mammoth tusk from a Seattle construction site.  The tusk has been signed to Sub Pop records and is expected to release its debut EP, “Tusk ‘Til Dawn,” sometime in mid-April.

Oh my god… Anna’s dead.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo For Thursday, 3/6/14

Good afternoon, mortals.  Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?

“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen.  When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
 
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
 
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom?  And she’s seven months pregnant!  How did she do it?!
 
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.

The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever.  “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”

A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star.  When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”

Jerry, you are from New Jersey.  New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
 
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0.  “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”

Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest.  “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”

Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot!  Weird!

A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese.  “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
 
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016.  The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make?  Be specific.”
 
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions.  “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
 
A Thursday memo?  I’m just glad we’re all alive!  Do svidaniya!
 
-The Chairman
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation.  We’re not out of the woods yet!  Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!

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