Good afternoon, mortals. Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?
“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen. When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”
Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom? And she’s seven months pregnant! How did she do it?!
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.
The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever. “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”
A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star. When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”
Jerry, you are from New Jersey. New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0. “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”
Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest. “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”
Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot! Weird!
A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese. “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016. The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make? Be specific.”
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions. “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
A Thursday memo? I’m just glad we’re all alive! Do svidaniya!
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation. We’re not out of the woods yet! Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!