Evening sports fans,
Let the Madness begin! The Business Madness, that is. Gambling is illegal!
18 year-old German-American soccer player Julian Green has elected to play for the United States instead of Germany at the upcoming World Cup. The Florida native is said to feel much more comfortable in America, where peeing on people will never be sexy.
Hundreds of students have occupied Taiwan’s legislature to protest a trade pact with China that, according to one student, “seems hella unfair.”
For the latest on the situation in Ukraine, let’s go to our chief Eastern Bloc correspondent, Anna from payroll. Anna?
President Obama has filled out his March Madness bracket, picking Michigan State to win the National Championship. “No matter what happens, all of our nation’s scholar-athletes are winners,” the President said in an interview, “except the ones that lose in this tournament and then fail to graduate. Sucks for them.”
Malaysia Airlines flight 370 is still missing. Anybody got any leads?
Passengers on a Greyhound bus from New York to Washington, D.C. were stranded at a Delaware rest stop for several hours early Monday morning due to inclement weather. “It was a little inconvenient,” said Russ Gerrit, 56, “but I did get the best handjob of my life.”
Russia is reportedly “concerned” with the treatment of ethnic Russians in neighboring Estonia, prompting fears of further instability in the region. “Estonia is not letting ethnic Soviets be Soviets,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “er, I mean… Russians. Ethnic Russians and Russians. What’d I say?”
This week, comedian Russell Brand made an impassioned plea to the United Nations to decriminalize drug use. Speaking at a drug-related conference in Vienna, Brand said, “My ex-wife is dating John Mayer, but I can’t do heroin without going to jail. That is so messed up.”
Jerry, SDSU actually stands for “San Diego State University.”
Researchers have discovered “gravitational waves” that further support the Big Bang Theory of the universe’s creation and expansion. God has been unavailable for comment, as he is busy keeping track of who’s having sex before marriage.
Authorities have shut down a California-based drug ring that included a voodoo priest and possessed about 100 firearms. The hero of the case was detective Matthew-McConaughey-in-Ten-Years.
Paleontologists have extracted a huge fossilized mammoth tusk from a Seattle construction site. The tusk has been signed to Sub Pop records and is expected to release its debut EP, “Tusk ‘Til Dawn,” sometime in mid-April.
Oh my god… Anna’s dead.