Internal Memo for 4/20/14

He is risen!  And by “He,” of course, I mean the memo.  Lo and behold, three days later… business!
 
San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick is being investigated for sexual assault.  The alleged victim’s identity is being kept secret, but sources say it is the Green Bay Packers defense.
 
Beginning in 2015, Stephen Colbert will succeed David Letterman as host of CBS’ “The Late Show with David Letterman.”  “I couldn’t be happier,” Letterman said, “I am confident Stephen will keep up our illustrious tradition of humor, heart, and banging staffers.”
 
Thank you, Anna Rubenstein from Accounting, for your generous and dignified Passover seder.  Did Elijah ever show up?  Hope we didn’t waste that gefilte fish.
 
A New Jersey woman is suing the state’s Motor Vehicle Commission after she was denied the vanity license plate “8THEIST.”  Her requests for the plates “J35U5 5UXX” and “HA1L S8AN” are still pending.

US Airways is under fire this week after sharing a graphic photo on Twitter.  “If there is a silver lining,” said US Airways CEO Doug Parker in a statement, “it’s that everyone now knows how good my honeymoon was.”

Jerry, a third nipple does not qualify you for disability.

The Borgata Casino is suing professional poker player Phil Ivey, claiming he cheated it out of $10 million.  Ivey has called his actions “gambling.”
 
The New York Yankees completed a triple play against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday.  It’s about time that franchise caught a break.

Remember, the annual post-Easter rabbit feast will be held this Tuesday in the cafeteria.  Don’t forget to cast your vote for braised or roasted!
 
Recent satellite images have shown a mysterious shape that some believe to be the Loch Ness Monster.  Jenny McCarthy has released a statement blaming the shape for her son’s autism.
 
Short memo today, guys… gotta prep for the big round of drug tests tomorrow!
 
-The Chairman

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