Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/27/14

Happy Thanksgiving!  Can I borrow someone’s buckled shoes?

A Montana branch of the Klu Klux Klan has begun accepting new members regardless of race, religion or sexuality.  “We want to encourage everybody to join,” said chapter leader John Abarr of Great Falls, “provided he or she has killed at least one black person.”

In related news, a grand jury in Ferguson, MO has decided not to indict Darren Wilson, the white police officer who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Michael Brown in August.  “There’s simply not enough evidence to indict him,” the grand jury’s decision read, “plus, we’d like an excuse to loot some jewelry stores.”

Two thumbs way up for Anna from marketing!  This past Saturday, she was finally able to commune with the ghost of Roger Ebert.  Turns out Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad, just misunderstood.  Glad we cleared that up!

Political strategist and entertainer Ben Stein recently called Barack Obama “the most racist president we’ve had.”  When asked about the comment, the President responded, “Huh.  Who wants to see season one of  ‘Take Ben Stein’s Money’”?

A Washington-based megachurch has closed some of its branches after its founder called women “penis homes.”  “I meant that women are incredible beings endowed by God with myriad holy responsibilities,” clarified founder Mark Driscoll in a recent interview.  “They are also phallus shelters, semen condominiums, and sperm wigwams.”

A new study indicates that psilocybin mushrooms may help smokers quit smoking.  And start doing battle with the thousands of tiny cockroaches covering their bodies and those of their loved ones.

Jerry, please refrain from referring to your fantasy football season as the Trail of Tears.

Divers have found the remnants of an ancient civilization off the coast of the Greek island of Delos.  The Greek government is reportedly “very excited” to have found an example of a civilization in the region that once had money.

The new name for Kraft Foods Inc. sounds like a Russian term for oral sex.  “To be fair,” wrote Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon in a statement, “what doesn’t?”

Don’t forget to check out the company’s Thanksgiving pageant, Plymouth Rocks!, featuring the Greater Halifax Gay Children’s Choir, tonight at 6 PM in conference room B.  It’s “Purentertainment!”

A new study suggests that texting puts 60 pounds of stress on a person’s neck.  If the text is from a mother-in-law, it can be up to 120 pounds.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has reportedly turned to drinking “snake wine,” wine mixed with the rotting body and venom of a dead snake, to treat his sexual dysfunction.  The glorious leader’s wife has said she has “definitely noticed a change” and, “if I don’t say that, they’ll kill me.”

The pilgrims died for our sins.  Gobble gobble!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/18/14

This is a big day.

It’s… it’s…

THE RETURN OF THE MEMO.

La CucaraCHA, La CucaraCHA… dadadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I’ll admit it’s been a busy couple months juggling my duties as head of NFL PR and an unmanned drone, but rewarding nonetheless.  Not as rewarding, however…

AS THE BUSINESS.

Let’s get right to it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin caused a stir recently when he draped a shawl over Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan at a state dinner in Beijing.  Putin insists the act was done “purely out of respect,” and that he “could sleep with her if [he] wanted to- anytime, anywhere.”

A new survey has determined that Colgate University boasts the most dateable college alumni.  “I love dating people from Colgate,” said respondent Jordan Gross, 25, of New York City, “I never feel intellectually threatened.”

Seattle’s Erotic Bakery, which specialized in cakes depicting the human anatomy for almost 30 years, has closed.  “Our business started strong,” said owner Kimmie Barnett, “but I just couldn’t keep it up.”

Anna, you look positively radiant!  That koala poop really works!

A state representative in Washington has been re-elected despite being deceased.  In related news, the state’s legalization of marijuana has been a resounding success.

According to a recent study, half of all available jobs are never advertised.  Keep up the good work, HR.

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak walked off the set of one of the show’s “Best Friends Week” episodes in Hawaii after two sets of contestants gave horse-related answers to the same incomplete puzzle.  Apparently, Sajak was unaware that bestiality is both legal and encouraged in the state.

Jerry, it’s been almost three months.  Let it go.

Newlyweds Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy will star in an A&E docu-series about their marriage.  The show’s working title is “Nobody Cares.”

Netflix has petitioned the FCC to block the proposed Comcast-Time Warner Cable merger.  The FCC has started the bidding for its ruling at $25,000,000.

Over 80% of America’s cocaine supply is laced with a veterinary drug that eats flesh.  Its name is Andy Dick.

Chinese doctors have discovered a 24-year-old woman born without a cerebellum, the part of the brain responsible for balance, posture, and speech.  In accordance with the country’s population control laws, she has been executed.

The Thanksgiving turkey drive is in full swing!  Same rules as last year- whoever donates the most turkeys gets a Cadillac El Dorado, second gets a set of steak knives, and third gets fired.  Good luck!

The mansion from the classic film The Godfather is up for sale.  “There’s only one catch,” advertises real estate broker Connie Profaci, “once you go in, you can never get out.”

Blackberry is suing Ryan Seacrest’s company Typo for copyright infringement.  “We believe that Typo is trying to steal what makes Blackberry great,” Blackberry CEO John S. Chen said in a statement, “what is that again?”

Pope Francis has declared that the Big Bang theory and evolution are “proven fact.”  As a result, he will now burn in hell.

A recently released video from 1995 shows dangerous orca behavior at SeaWorld Ohio.  “This footage proves nothing,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Elaine Griffin.  “Being both black and white, Kayla the orca was simply sorting out her conflicting feelings about the OJ Simpson trial.”

Researchers in Australia have determined that cities are making spiders grow bigger and live longer.  “And the worst part is,” said scientist Roy Chambers of the Australian Research Council, “they’ve started mating with bankers.”

It’s football season… who’s up for a group shower?

-The Chairman

PS- Jon from digital is just killing it with these VIDEOS.

PPS- In my time away, I’ve developed a “social media presence.”  Don’t worry… it’s not fatal.  Like me on Facebook!!

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