Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/27/14

Happy Thanksgiving!  Can I borrow someone’s buckled shoes?

A Montana branch of the Klu Klux Klan has begun accepting new members regardless of race, religion or sexuality.  “We want to encourage everybody to join,” said chapter leader John Abarr of Great Falls, “provided he or she has killed at least one black person.”

In related news, a grand jury in Ferguson, MO has decided not to indict Darren Wilson, the white police officer who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Michael Brown in August.  “There’s simply not enough evidence to indict him,” the grand jury’s decision read, “plus, we’d like an excuse to loot some jewelry stores.”

Two thumbs way up for Anna from marketing!  This past Saturday, she was finally able to commune with the ghost of Roger Ebert.  Turns out Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad, just misunderstood.  Glad we cleared that up!

Political strategist and entertainer Ben Stein recently called Barack Obama “the most racist president we’ve had.”  When asked about the comment, the President responded, “Huh.  Who wants to see season one of  ‘Take Ben Stein’s Money’”?

A Washington-based megachurch has closed some of its branches after its founder called women “penis homes.”  “I meant that women are incredible beings endowed by God with myriad holy responsibilities,” clarified founder Mark Driscoll in a recent interview.  “They are also phallus shelters, semen condominiums, and sperm wigwams.”

A new study indicates that psilocybin mushrooms may help smokers quit smoking.  And start doing battle with the thousands of tiny cockroaches covering their bodies and those of their loved ones.

Jerry, please refrain from referring to your fantasy football season as the Trail of Tears.

Divers have found the remnants of an ancient civilization off the coast of the Greek island of Delos.  The Greek government is reportedly “very excited” to have found an example of a civilization in the region that once had money.

The new name for Kraft Foods Inc. sounds like a Russian term for oral sex.  “To be fair,” wrote Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon in a statement, “what doesn’t?”

Don’t forget to check out the company’s Thanksgiving pageant, Plymouth Rocks!, featuring the Greater Halifax Gay Children’s Choir, tonight at 6 PM in conference room B.  It’s “Purentertainment!”

A new study suggests that texting puts 60 pounds of stress on a person’s neck.  If the text is from a mother-in-law, it can be up to 120 pounds.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has reportedly turned to drinking “snake wine,” wine mixed with the rotting body and venom of a dead snake, to treat his sexual dysfunction.  The glorious leader’s wife has said she has “definitely noticed a change” and, “if I don’t say that, they’ll kill me.”

The pilgrims died for our sins.  Gobble gobble!

-The Chairman

Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s