Internal Memo for Wednesday, 12/10/14

Ding dong merrily on high!  In heav’n the bells are ringing!  Ding dong verily the sky, is riv’n with THE BUSINESS.

Girl Scout cookies are now available online.  When informed of the development, President Obama laughed maniacally while repeating, “Bread and circuses… bread and circuses….”

Actor Alan Alda has challenged scientists to explain the concept of sleep to children.  “If successful,” Alda explains in an online video, “you will have the opportunity to tackle another of the universe’s great mysteries: my career after M*A*S*H.”

All aboard!  In honor of the film Titanic‘s 17th anniversary, Anna from development will be hosting a nude painting class on December 19th in the outdoor cafeteria.  Rain or shine… but hopefully rain….

Last week’s surprise World AIDS Day concert in Times Square featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin performing with a Bono-less U2.  The Irish frontman is no longer allowed within 500 yards of Times Square after his involvement in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Electronic taxi service Uber has secured $1 billion in new funding.  Or, as Uber users call it, one thirteen block ride on a Saturday night.

Jerry, no one thinks you killed Hae Min Lee.

Just two days after his wedding to Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Jionni LaValle pled guilty to DUI.  Now, as per New Jersey tradition, the couple is officially married.

Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out during a party at Art Basel last week.  Fourteen people have since been infected with a previously unknown strain of what one CDC scientist has called “the Ebola of venereal diseases.”

If you’re like me, you so often find yourself wondering, “How did hydrogen peroxide become a thing?”  If so, it might be time to visit the office lending library on floor BBB!

George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush Hager recently admitted to “a little hanky-panky” on the White House roof.  Fittingly, “a little hanky-panky” was the foremost reason given for her father’s invasion of Iraq.

The world’s largest white truffle was sold at auction Saturday for $61,250.  The figure represents the most paid for a piece of fungus since Alex Rodriguez’s $253 million contract with the New York Yankees.

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays… unless you want to keep your job!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/2/14

It’s #givingtuesday!  Do you know what that means?  Neither do I!  Business!

American Joey Chestnut won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut over the Thanksgiving holiday, eating an entire 20-pound bird.  He received $5,000 for the feat, which will be put towards a new pyloric sphincter.

West Virginia has elected America’s youngest state legislator, 18-year-old Saira Blair, a freshman at West Virginia University.  “She seems like a fine choice,” said voter Wilhelmina Pauling, 87.  “To be honest… there aren’t many people left in this state.”

Let’s all take a second to acknowledge Anna from PR, who successfully orchestrated a military coup in Burkina Faso!  And she still made it back in time to carve the turkey… bravo!

According to recent reports, a Hungarian researcher noticed a lost work of art while watching the 1999 children’s movie Stuart Little.  The masterpiece, seen on the movie’s living room set at various points, is titled Jonathan Lipnicki’s face.

Attorney General Eric Holder forgave protesters who interrupted his recent speech with chants about Ferguson, Missouri, telling them “I ain’t mad at cha.”  He then added, “See what I did there?  Tupac was killed by a gun.  Get it?  Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.”

And you call yourself a journalist… Jerry, you should be ashamed.

The FBI has warned the US military of impending attacks by ISIS.  In a series of leaked memos, the FBI also warned against “the possible rise of fascism in Weimar Germany” and “Soviet aggression in the sovereign state of Vietnam.”

“Cyber Monday” deals extended to the so-called “Dark Web” this year, with criminals offering discounts on everything from narcotics to stolen credit card information.  “Yup, just come on down to Bill’s Discount Assault Weapons, located in the abandoned water tower off State Highway 3 in Watonga, Oklahoma to claim your deal!” wrote one merchant, known only as “Sid.”  He later added, “Shit.”

A Florida man claims he shot his mother full of arrows because she “gave [his] father cancer.”  Florida and Nevada remain the only states in the US where it is legal to marry a cigarette.

It’s deer hunting season on the company campus!  But please… don’t shoot the interns.  We don’t need a repeat of last year.

The combined cost of all the items in the holiday carol “The 12 Days of Christmas” has risen an estimated 1% from last year.  Experts attribute the rise to an uptick in the price of cocaine, which is necessary to keep the pipers piping and the lords a-leaping.

The NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been accused of holding stadium employees in “indentured servitude.”  “Look at it this way,” explained Commissioner Roger Goodell in a recent press conference, “they sell fans hot dogs and, in exchange, we don’t punch them in elevators or drive drunk with them in the car.  It’s a win-win.”

It’s getting dark early these days!  Stock up on vitamin D… before it’s too late.

-The Chairma

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