Internal Memo for Wednesday, 12/10/14

Ding dong merrily on high!  In heav’n the bells are ringing!  Ding dong verily the sky, is riv’n with THE BUSINESS.

Girl Scout cookies are now available online.  When informed of the development, President Obama laughed maniacally while repeating, “Bread and circuses… bread and circuses….”

Actor Alan Alda has challenged scientists to explain the concept of sleep to children.  “If successful,” Alda explains in an online video, “you will have the opportunity to tackle another of the universe’s great mysteries: my career after M*A*S*H.”

All aboard!  In honor of the film Titanic‘s 17th anniversary, Anna from development will be hosting a nude painting class on December 19th in the outdoor cafeteria.  Rain or shine… but hopefully rain….

Last week’s surprise World AIDS Day concert in Times Square featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin performing with a Bono-less U2.  The Irish frontman is no longer allowed within 500 yards of Times Square after his involvement in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Electronic taxi service Uber has secured $1 billion in new funding.  Or, as Uber users call it, one thirteen block ride on a Saturday night.

Jerry, no one thinks you killed Hae Min Lee.

Just two days after his wedding to Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Jionni LaValle pled guilty to DUI.  Now, as per New Jersey tradition, the couple is officially married.

Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out during a party at Art Basel last week.  Fourteen people have since been infected with a previously unknown strain of what one CDC scientist has called “the Ebola of venereal diseases.”

If you’re like me, you so often find yourself wondering, “How did hydrogen peroxide become a thing?”  If so, it might be time to visit the office lending library on floor BBB!

George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush Hager recently admitted to “a little hanky-panky” on the White House roof.  Fittingly, “a little hanky-panky” was the foremost reason given for her father’s invasion of Iraq.

The world’s largest white truffle was sold at auction Saturday for $61,250.  The figure represents the most paid for a piece of fungus since Alex Rodriguez’s $253 million contract with the New York Yankees.

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays… unless you want to keep your job!

-The Chairman

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