Internal Memo for Friday, 2/27/15

Good afternoon, terrorist targets!  You didn’t think I’d let another week go by without a memo, did you?

UK jets intercepted two Russian military planes flying near British airspace this week.  The jets’ two interceptions are more than the New York Jets had in all of 2014.

Keurig has recalled 7 million coffee makers after “about 200 reports of hot liquid escaping from the brewer.”  It remains unclear why only 200 of the 7 million devices actually made coffee.

Philadelphia has won the bidding to be the site of the 2016 Democratic National Convention.  “We think Philadelphia really embodies the essence of the Democratic Party,” said 2016 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton in a statement.  “It’s the cheap and lazy option.”

Congratulations, Anna from logistics, on your Oscar!  I didn’t see The Grand Budapest Hotel, but boy, did it look as weird as your office.

Nestle is removing artificial ingredients from many of its candy bars.  The company says its new empty wrappers will be available by late 2015.

California man Scott Welk has filed suit against whiskey maker Jim Beam, alleging that the company falsely claims to sell “handcrafted” whiskey.  Experts predict the suit will lead to a wholesale ban on whiskey in California, along with similar bans on tobacco, flavored fruit juices, and fun.

A drug-resistant strain of malaria is close to entering India.  Though it is unclear where exactly the strain originated, Indian experts blame Pakistan.

Jerry, nobody thinks the dress is mauve.

Vice News CEO Shane Smith spent $300,000 on a recent dinner in Las Vegas.  Vice has since run an exclusive on the dinner, blasting Smith as “corrupt,” “a liar,” and “no better than the rebel forces in Myanmar who castrate and disembowel political opposition for sport.”

After many years of back and forth, boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao have agreed to fight.  “Lately, I only hit women,” Mayweather said in a press conference.  “But for him?  I’ll make an exception.”

An Oklahoma House Committee has approved a bill that would eliminate the current AP US History curriculum in the state because it undermines the concept of “American Exceptionalism.”  In response, the United States House has passed a bill eliminating the state of Oklahoma for similar reasons.

If you’re still looking to fill your monthly cultural enrichment requirement, consider seeing this evening of short plays tonight and tomorrow!  Remember… it’s in your contract!

A Phoenix man sold a $5.99 watch he purchased at Goodwill for $35,000.  The man says he plans to use the money to buy “many, many, many more things from Goodwill.”

Carnegie Mellon University accidentally sent acceptance emails to 800 applicants to its computer science program this past week.  As a result, the applicants no longer feel bad about not getting in.

Oscar winner Mo’Nique says she hasn’t worked much since winning her Oscar because she was blackballed.  “I think it’s ridiculous,” said one prominent studio executive who wished to remain anonymous.  “I don’t think she was ‘balled.’”

Happy Chinese New Year to our China office- now get back to hacking!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 2/12/15

Followers,

I would like to apologize.  Due to myriad terrorist threats against the company and a massive hack of my personal email, I have been unable to send out the memo for the last several weeks.  At one point, things got so bad between me, Scott Rudin, and the Chuckwalla iguana of which we share joint custody that I debated sending a memo ever again.  But, after much soul searching and ayahuasca, I decided that fear must not win.

With that, ladies and gentlemen (We still have ladies, right?  They didn’t all quit?  Everything was taken out of context, I swear), I present… THE MEMO.

The deepest fish ever discovered has been found in the Mariana’s Trench.  The deepest Phish ever discovered remains “Fluffhead,” found in 1995 at the Ervin J. Nutter Center at Wright State University.

As part of his recent divorce settlement, billionaire CEO Harold Hamm wrote his ex-wife a personal check for $975 million.  The check will reportedly feature prominently in the upcoming children’s movie “Blank Check 2,” starring Sinbad.

Dartmouth College has banned hard liquor on campus.  There will be no punishment for those caught violating the new rule, making it similar to the university’s “bans” on drugs and sexual assault.

**FUN FACT** Anna from IT once dated Chris Kyle, the man whose life inspired the blockbuster film American Sniper!  Among other things, the movie failed to mention his foot fetish.

It’s official!  Former US Olympian and current reality TV star Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman.  “We wholeheartedly support Bruce’s decision,” said E! executive Damla Dogan, “with the success of Orange is the New Black, we think it’s time Keeping Up With The Kardashians had a trans character.”

Woody Allen has signed a deal with Amazon to create his first TV show.  The show is slated to be canceled before it turns six… just in case.

The top Google searches of 2014 were, in order, “Robin Williams,” “World Cup,” and “Ebola.”  Despite her best efforts, “Anne Hathaway” remained 2,345,696th.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite in Ukraine.

A New Mexico man lost out on $500,000 after officials determined his winning lottery ticket was the result of a “printer malfunction.”  No word yet on whether the lottery’s decision has caused the man to “break bad.”

The New York Times is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest is struggling to pay her rent.  “I’ve always rented,” said a defiant Wiest in theTimes interview, “why the hell would I have invested all that movie star money in real estate?  Especially New York real estate?  Talk about a scam.”

The father of former reality TV star Heidi Montag has been arrested for sexual assault, cementing his status as poster boy for the new American Dream.

New Year, New You!  Be sure to attend our “Make Your Resolutions… and Keep Them Biiiiiiitchhhheessss!” workshops, hosted by renowned Olympic figure skater and reality television personality Johnny Weir!  January 14th and 15th at 7 PM in conference room B.

… I guess those already happened.  Whoops, sorry!  Old me.

Three theoretical physicists have published their evidence for the existence of a parallel universe that is moving backwards in time.  They’ve dubbed the alternate realm “The Clooneyverse.”

Actress Emma Watson will star in Disney’s upcoming live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Watson, building on her outspoken support for female equality around the globe, will be playing Gaston.

In a new book, longtime Obama advisor David Axelrod asserts that the president masked his true feelings on gay marriage in order to appeal to voters.  “You didn’t hear it from me,” Axelrod writes in “Believer: My Forty Years in Politics,” “but you might say the president keeps his views on homosexuality… on the down low.”

Je reste Charlie.

-The Chairman

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