Internal Memo for Thursday, 2/12/15

Followers,

I would like to apologize.  Due to myriad terrorist threats against the company and a massive hack of my personal email, I have been unable to send out the memo for the last several weeks.  At one point, things got so bad between me, Scott Rudin, and the Chuckwalla iguana of which we share joint custody that I debated sending a memo ever again.  But, after much soul searching and ayahuasca, I decided that fear must not win.

With that, ladies and gentlemen (We still have ladies, right?  They didn’t all quit?  Everything was taken out of context, I swear), I present… THE MEMO.

The deepest fish ever discovered has been found in the Mariana’s Trench.  The deepest Phish ever discovered remains “Fluffhead,” found in 1995 at the Ervin J. Nutter Center at Wright State University.

As part of his recent divorce settlement, billionaire CEO Harold Hamm wrote his ex-wife a personal check for $975 million.  The check will reportedly feature prominently in the upcoming children’s movie “Blank Check 2,” starring Sinbad.

Dartmouth College has banned hard liquor on campus.  There will be no punishment for those caught violating the new rule, making it similar to the university’s “bans” on drugs and sexual assault.

**FUN FACT** Anna from IT once dated Chris Kyle, the man whose life inspired the blockbuster film American Sniper!  Among other things, the movie failed to mention his foot fetish.

It’s official!  Former US Olympian and current reality TV star Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman.  “We wholeheartedly support Bruce’s decision,” said E! executive Damla Dogan, “with the success of Orange is the New Black, we think it’s time Keeping Up With The Kardashians had a trans character.”

Woody Allen has signed a deal with Amazon to create his first TV show.  The show is slated to be canceled before it turns six… just in case.

The top Google searches of 2014 were, in order, “Robin Williams,” “World Cup,” and “Ebola.”  Despite her best efforts, “Anne Hathaway” remained 2,345,696th.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite in Ukraine.

A New Mexico man lost out on $500,000 after officials determined his winning lottery ticket was the result of a “printer malfunction.”  No word yet on whether the lottery’s decision has caused the man to “break bad.”

The New York Times is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest is struggling to pay her rent.  “I’ve always rented,” said a defiant Wiest in theTimes interview, “why the hell would I have invested all that movie star money in real estate?  Especially New York real estate?  Talk about a scam.”

The father of former reality TV star Heidi Montag has been arrested for sexual assault, cementing his status as poster boy for the new American Dream.

New Year, New You!  Be sure to attend our “Make Your Resolutions… and Keep Them Biiiiiiitchhhheessss!” workshops, hosted by renowned Olympic figure skater and reality television personality Johnny Weir!  January 14th and 15th at 7 PM in conference room B.

… I guess those already happened.  Whoops, sorry!  Old me.

Three theoretical physicists have published their evidence for the existence of a parallel universe that is moving backwards in time.  They’ve dubbed the alternate realm “The Clooneyverse.”

Actress Emma Watson will star in Disney’s upcoming live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Watson, building on her outspoken support for female equality around the globe, will be playing Gaston.

In a new book, longtime Obama advisor David Axelrod asserts that the president masked his true feelings on gay marriage in order to appeal to voters.  “You didn’t hear it from me,” Axelrod writes in “Believer: My Forty Years in Politics,” “but you might say the president keeps his views on homosexuality… on the down low.”

Je reste Charlie.

-The Chairman

Standard

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