Internal Memo for Friday, 2/27/15

Good afternoon, terrorist targets!  You didn’t think I’d let another week go by without a memo, did you?

UK jets intercepted two Russian military planes flying near British airspace this week.  The jets’ two interceptions are more than the New York Jets had in all of 2014.

Keurig has recalled 7 million coffee makers after “about 200 reports of hot liquid escaping from the brewer.”  It remains unclear why only 200 of the 7 million devices actually made coffee.

Philadelphia has won the bidding to be the site of the 2016 Democratic National Convention.  “We think Philadelphia really embodies the essence of the Democratic Party,” said 2016 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton in a statement.  “It’s the cheap and lazy option.”

Congratulations, Anna from logistics, on your Oscar!  I didn’t see The Grand Budapest Hotel, but boy, did it look as weird as your office.

Nestle is removing artificial ingredients from many of its candy bars.  The company says its new empty wrappers will be available by late 2015.

California man Scott Welk has filed suit against whiskey maker Jim Beam, alleging that the company falsely claims to sell “handcrafted” whiskey.  Experts predict the suit will lead to a wholesale ban on whiskey in California, along with similar bans on tobacco, flavored fruit juices, and fun.

A drug-resistant strain of malaria is close to entering India.  Though it is unclear where exactly the strain originated, Indian experts blame Pakistan.

Jerry, nobody thinks the dress is mauve.

Vice News CEO Shane Smith spent $300,000 on a recent dinner in Las Vegas.  Vice has since run an exclusive on the dinner, blasting Smith as “corrupt,” “a liar,” and “no better than the rebel forces in Myanmar who castrate and disembowel political opposition for sport.”

After many years of back and forth, boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao have agreed to fight.  “Lately, I only hit women,” Mayweather said in a press conference.  “But for him?  I’ll make an exception.”

An Oklahoma House Committee has approved a bill that would eliminate the current AP US History curriculum in the state because it undermines the concept of “American Exceptionalism.”  In response, the United States House has passed a bill eliminating the state of Oklahoma for similar reasons.

If you’re still looking to fill your monthly cultural enrichment requirement, consider seeing this evening of short plays tonight and tomorrow!  Remember… it’s in your contract!

A Phoenix man sold a $5.99 watch he purchased at Goodwill for $35,000.  The man says he plans to use the money to buy “many, many, many more things from Goodwill.”

Carnegie Mellon University accidentally sent acceptance emails to 800 applicants to its computer science program this past week.  As a result, the applicants no longer feel bad about not getting in.

Oscar winner Mo’Nique says she hasn’t worked much since winning her Oscar because she was blackballed.  “I think it’s ridiculous,” said one prominent studio executive who wished to remain anonymous.  “I don’t think she was ‘balled.’”

Happy Chinese New Year to our China office- now get back to hacking!

-The Chairman


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