Internal Memo for Friday, 3/13/15

Sorry for the delay this week, folks- busy sorting through Hillary’s “classified” email.  Man… some of those dicks are huge.  Business!

50 Shades of Grey actor Jamie Dornan is considering quitting the franchise due to his wife’s concerns.  “It hits too close to home for her,” revealed a source close to the actor, “especially the butt stuff.”

McDonald’s is reportedly set to add kale to its menu.  According to filings, McDonald’s® brand Kale™ will contain “100% Certified Angus Beef®, high fructose corn syrup, dimethylpolysiloxane, Yellow No. 5, and artificial kale flavoring.”

Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on your appearance on The Bachelor!  I agree- you look way better as a Chris.

Major League Baseball has announced several rule changes aimed at speeding up pace of play.  The new rules call for, among other things, a 100-yard field, an oblong leather ball, and replacing “outs” with “downs.”

The ex-marine who killed Chris Kyle, the inspiration for the movie American Sniper, has been sentenced to life in prison.  “I was gonna give him community service,” said Judge Amina Johnson of her decision, “but I loved that goddamn movie so much.”

Jerry, please take off the hockey mask.  And machetes are never allowed in the office.

A massive tropical storm known as “Cyclone Pam” is bearing down on the tiny island nation of Vanuatu.  The storm is expected to cause at least as much damage as “Hurricane Pam,” the 340-pound drag queen who descended on a performance of the Broadway musical Xanadu in 2006.

An Indian bride walked out of her recent wedding ceremony because her husband failed to correctly answer a math question.  The husband has reportedly moved on, and will marry 22 year-old American Sally Mae Dunston, whom he met on the website FarmersOnly.com.

Happy Birthday to Polish actress Wiktoria Gąsiewska!  You little rascal- you positively slay me in Rodzina zastępcza and Rodzina zastępcza plus!

A Spanish woman has filed a paternity suit alleging that she is the daughter of famous surrealist painter Salvador Dali.  The woman has refused to submit to a DNA test on the grounds that she is a melted watch.

Lucasfilm has announced a new standalone Star Wars film entitled Rogue One.  The film will star Felicity Jones as the true “rogue” of the Star Wars universe: Jar Jar Binks.

Why do we drive on parkways but set our clocks forward for “Daylight Saving Time”?

-The Chairman

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