Internal Memo for Friday, 3/11/16

Sup Berniebros?  Don’t forget to mansplain to some feminazis today.  Michigan!

The US Department of Labor has filed suit against New York electronics superstore B&H Photo Video, alleging the retailer made Hispanic workers use separate bathrooms from other employees.  In a countersuit, B&H alleges the Department of Labor is run by a bunch of “filthy Hispanics.”

Subway has promised to make sure its “Footlong” sandwiches are actually a foot long after a recent lawsuit.  The suit represents the most egregious case of footlong false advertising since the last Republican debate.

Who knew human beings could live without food or water?  Anna from Accounts Payable did, when she started her monthlong stillness meditation two weeks ago!  Has anybody checked on her?

Newly uncovered medical records indicate that Adolf Hitler had a severely deformed micro-penis.  “I used to recommend that people go back in time and kill baby Hitler,” said researcher Thomas Bonn in a statement.  “Now, I would at least wait til he hits puberty.”

A suburban Chicago high school has apologized after its students staged a skit about a slave auction at a recent conference.  “We didn’t mean to offend anyone,” school spokesman Morgan Delack said in an interview, “we were simply trying prepare our kids for a possible Trump presidency.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “causal Fridays.”

A British woman who lives like it’s 1939 is seeking a husband.  “He must be charming, capable,“ her recent newspaper ad read, “and support Prime Minister Chamberlain’s ideas of appeasement.”

The University of Virginia has unearthed a hearth from the days of founder Thomas Jefferson while undertaking renovations.  Forensic analysis has revealed the hearth to be the only place on campus free of Jefferson’s semen.

Phil from Accounting left the lights on in the men’s bathroom again last night.  Phil, don’t ask how I know this, ask why you haven’t been fired yet.

The nanny with whom Gavin Rossdale cheated on Gwen Stefani is pregnant.  The father’s identity is as yet unknown, but a recent sonogram has revealed the fetus looks like a washed-up D-list 90s rock singer.

The Guinness Book of World Records has certified Holocaust survivor Israel Kristal as the World’s Oldest Man.  “I’d like to dedicate this great honor to Adolf Hitler,” Kristal said in an interview, “and his disgusting, terrifying, tiny, tiny, microscopic baby penis.”

Enjoy the weekend, superdelegates!  Remember, you’re the real stars of democracy.

-The Chairman

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