Internal Memo for Friday, 3/18/16

Ohhhhhhhh IT’S MARCH MADNESS, BABY!

You may recall that in years past we’ve had some great prizes for the winner of our annual office pool.  Past champions have received a Westinghouse© television, Windows 7, and a signed copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.  This year, we’re kicking it “old school fleek,” as the kids say… first place gets a Cadillac, second place gets a set of steak knives, and third place gets fired!  Everybody else gets nothing, but stays employed.  You sure don’t want to finish in third… let the games begin!

A Florida teenager has been arrested for the second time for posing as a medical professional.  Eighteen year-old Malachi Love-Robinson had to be apprehended while on a trip to neighboring Georgia, as posing of any kind is both legal and encouraged in Florida.

Renowned actress and feminist Emma Watson has revealed that she pays to learn about female sexual pleasure through a website called OMGYES.com.  “Thanks, Emma,” said Mike Jackson, a carpenter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “now I know what to tell my wife when the next credit card bill comes.”

Anna from the kitchen is on fire!  No, literally, we had some issues with the stove earlier today and her clothing was set ablaze.  Someone please put her out!  She doesn’t appear to be injured… yet.

A Swedish doctor who treats patients’ ills with anal massage has had his license revoked by the country’s Medical Board of Responsibility.  When asked for his response to the decision, Dr. Jan Svensen replied, “They can shove it up their ass.  Or I can do it for them, at a great price, and it will almost certainly take care of their rheumatoid arthritis.”

In sports news, the NFL’s Cleveland Browns have officially released troubled former college star Johnny Manziel.  Manziel was last seen late Saturday with some friends on the Las Vegas strip, on the way to an overdose.

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

Members of terrorist group Hamas burned 15 tons of Snickers last week following a recall by the candy’s parent company Mars.  The recall was initiated because of plastic found in some bars, but Hamas burned their supply because it had “come dangerously close to some Jews.”

A wild mountain lion found its way into the Los Angeles Zoo last week and ate a koala.  Coincidentally, “a wild mountain lion finding its way into the zoo and eating a koala” is a popular Hollywood euphemism for rape.

Just a reminder that Kevin from HR is hosting a very important seminar on workplace diversity this weekend, smack dab in the middle of the NCAA Tournament.  Intentional?  You decide!

According to a new Rolling Stone profile, rapper Macklemore owns a nude painting of popstar Justin Bieber with a pancake on his penis.  “It’s, like, a metaphor for my music,” Macklemore said in the interview.  “You look at it and you’re like, ‘How did this get made?’”

Amazon is planning to open several hundred physical bookstores around the US.  When asked about the decision, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told reporters, “We saw how well physical bookstores were doing and we were like, ‘We’ve got books!’”

Get those picks in, guys!  Nevermind… it already started.

-The Chairman

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