Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/21/16

You know what they say: Any given Sunday… there might be a memo!  Man, there were a lotta dicks in that movie.  What’s Oliver Stone’s deal?  BUSINESS!

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a 24-carat gold dildo on Goop for $15,000.  According to Paltrow, the item is “gently used, which is how I felt when Chris left.”

An octopus at New Zealand’s National Aquarium recently crawled out of its tank and escaped down a drainpipe into the ocean.  “I’d like to apologize to all our wonderful patrons,” aquarium director Gary Brooke said in a statement, “and assure everyone that’ll be the last time we screen The Shawshank Redemption for the animals.”

Oh my god!  Oh my god!  Oh my GOD!  Anna from HR… YOUR NAME IS A PALINDROME.

A ride at Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park has become notorious for making riders sick.  The ride is a virtual reality simulation of a ten-minute cosplay with “hardcore” Harry Potter fan Natalie Ziff, who is “definitely a Hufflepuff.”

Texas voters have approved a plan for a new $628 million high school football stadium.  The 12,000-seat venue will have multiple uses, hosting not only football games but conventions, fairs, and public executions.

Jerry, please stop referring to Lolita as an “instruction manual.”

Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman is auctioning off the firearm he used to kill unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin.  “That’s funny, right?” God Almighty said when asked about the news.  “I mean, I haven’t been down there in a while.”

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s new cookbook costs a reported $200, presumably to reflect the rising costs of child support.

Oops, almost forgot to give you an update- A LOT of you guys tied for third in this year’s March Madness pool!  Like, almost half the company!  Best of luck in your future endeavors!

A new report from Oxfam America has revealed that workers at some of the United States’ biggest poultry processing facilities have been denied bathroom breaks to the point where some have to wear diapers.  Oxfam has since called the findings “by far the least disgusting thing about the US poultry industry.”

Despite not being old enough to use the app, a Finnish ten-year-old named Jani won $10,000 for finding a bug in Instagram’s code.  When asked what he would purchase with the money, he replied, “Two-thirds of a golden dildo.”

For real though, calling your made-up team the “Miami Sharks”?  And your made up league the “Associated Football Franchises of America”?  And depicting a female president of a professional football team?  Ludicrous.  Ollie, you’re better than that.  I want my $5 back, or whatever a movie cost back then.  And don’t even get me STARTED on Dennis Quaid…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/6/16

Good afternoon, conservative firebrands!  WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??

The Canadian government is working to decriminalize recreational marijuana use by early 2017.  The new law is expected to make it even harder to tell whether or not a Canadian is high.

Searcy Hayes, the 21-year-old Ted Cruz lookalike who agreed to do porn after appearing on The Maury Povich Show, says she has never heard of Cruz.  In related news, the Republican senator has ended his candidacy for president after failing to connect with his core demographic.

Is that you, Anna from Digital, or the anatomically correct sex bot you recently patented?  Glad I can’t tell!

In an effort to deter poachers, Kenya lit the largest ivory bonfire in history this week.  “This will send a very clear message to those who traffic in this precious substance,” Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta told reporters during the lighting ceremony.  “And if they don’t get it, we will do something even clearer: kill all the elephants.”

The US Attorney has released former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s pedophilic texts, one of which involves telling an associate he will “pay (him) big for a 14 or 15-year-old.”  “Jared was clearly talking about a delicious Subway sub,” Fogle’s lawyer Gary Schermerhorn told reporters on Wednesday.  “Subs, subs, subs- everybody loves subs!  Jared really liked old subs – agedas he called them.  He always liked things a little on the old side- never young.  That’s gross.  Who wants a young child- I mean, sandwich?  Who’s hungry?”

Jerry, I need to see your business cards.

Paramount Pictures is under fire for trying to make Scarlett Johansson look more Asian in her upcoming film Ghost in the Shell.  “It won’t work,” Johansson’s ex-husband Ryan Reynolds told the studio in a leaked email.  “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

North Korea is in the midst of mounting its biggest political event in 36 years.  Though details from the notoriously secretive country are hard to come by, one witness called the proceedings “a Donald Trump rally.”

SPOILER ALERT: HBO’s enormously popular Game of Thrones surprised millions last week when it was revealed to have finally jumped the shark.

More than 1,300 pounds of ancient Roman coins have been unearthed in Spain.  The discovery, valued at $1 trillion, has the potential to reduce the country’s deficit to $365,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 trillion.

Scientists from California’s HRL Laboratories may have discovered a way to “upload knowledge” to the human brain.  “We’re hoping to make this technology widely accessible by early November,” HRL’s Dr. Matthew Phillips said in a statement, “before it’s too late.”

As some of you have pointed out, there have been some inexcusable errors in recent memos.  I incorrectly stated the Golden State Warriors had beaten the Minnesota Timberwolves to reach 74 wins, when in fact they beat the Memphis Grizzlies.  And… gasp … there was a TYPO.  To you tireless workers who brought these gaffes to my attention, I say: thank you… for making it easier to fire you!  Get the hell out of here you nitpicking busybodies!  GOD it feels good to make 440 times as much as you people.

obama mic drop obama out correspondents dinner

-The Chairman

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