Good tomorrow afternoon, New Zealand Office,
After a much needed monthlong vacation to contemplate suicide in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s inevitable election, I return to you with a promise. As I was sifting through the detritus of my largely unlived corporate life, I realized that I had been doing the entire company a disservice. Since beginning mandatory “sensitivity training” after those comments I made to Margery from Accounting several months ago (case since settled), I have been, well, not my usual self. I have made the inexcusable mistake of allowing those gay hippie women’s ideas of “right” and “fair” and “non-GMO” to seep into even the most top secret of our communications: The Internal Memo. Thus, I have avoided (despite the protestations of my loud and usually irresistible inner voice) making the racially-, sexually-, and economically-charged pronouncements which got me this position of power in the first place.
Worry not, non-friends: I will not bow to the whims of the liberal elite any longer. I have jimmied the tiny lock on my sustainable faux-silver handcuffs and escaped the long arm of the PC law. I’m ready to say what’s been on my mind for some time. It’s been eating away at me like a little ringworm of truth, and it’s finally time to let it out, no matter who it may “hurt” or “bring to tears” or “encourage to sue.” At some point, we must learn to live with the uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s not so comfortable. But it must be said… for the good of the company, and of the world:
OJ did it.
A study in advance of the upcoming Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro indicates competing at the games may expose athletes to antibiotic-resistant super bacteria. Such bacteria have not been seen since two years ago, when they were passed between several residents of the Olympic Village in Sochi.
Nerds everywhere rejoiced this week at the announcement that Nintendo’s latest Legend of Zelda game would feature a jump button, giving them an opportunity to experience something virtually they have never been able to in real life.
Happy belated Father’s Day, Anna from Legal! I have no idea how to refer to lesbian parents!
Billionaire investor Chris Sacca was turned away from a recent performance ofHamilton because he had purchased counterfeit tickets. At one point, an incensed Sacca asked a box office worker, “Do you know who I am?”, to which the woman replied “No.”
According to a new study, men who drink can give their babies fetal alcohol syndrome. The study comes as welcome news to many women’s rights activists, who would like to see men share the burden of fucking up pregnancy.
Jerry, the company will not be holding a referendum on your “Jexit.”
Archaeologists discovered skeletons and gold coins at a recent dig outside the lost Roman city of Pompeii. “Yup,” lead archaeologist Francois Vigneault told French newspaper Le Monde, “pretty much what we expected.”
Actor Nicolas Cage has split from his wife of twelve years, Alicia Kim. Kim is said to be “distraught” over the breakup, while Cage is said to be “looking at himself in the mirror.”
For those of you who missed the NBA Draft last night, we’ll be replaying the entire telecast in conference room B throughout the weekend. Spoiler alert: Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot to the Sixers! PEUT-TU LE CROIRE??
Hasbro is working on a musical based on the board game Monopoly. The show is expected to last upwards of six hours and only end when the last remaining attendees decide to go to bed.
Despite denying the existence of climate change during his presidential campaign, rodeo clown Donald Trump is attempting to build a wall around one of his golf courses in Ireland to combat the effects of… climate change. “This has absolutely nothing to do with ‘climate change,’” Trump said when asked about the development. “It’s to keep the Mexicans out.”
But… what’s gonna happen to Malta?