Internal Memo for Sunday, 7/17/16

Good Evening,

I’ve heard some disturbing reports lately that there are those inside the company who don’t think I am “hip and with it.”  In response, I’ve decided to leave no doubt about my ability to relate to the “common man.”

This week’s memo will be entirely devoted to the “new” “hot” “app” Pokémon Go.

This’ll be weird!  Business?

The Los Angeles County Fire Department has warned people not to call 911 for help with Pokémon Go.  As a result, Angelenos are left wondering whom to call about the mysterious “Pikachu rapist.”

Usually treatable STI gonorrhea has begun showing increasing resistance to antibiotics.  With nearly 14,000 cases reported annually, gonorrhea is the second easiest thing to catch in New York City behind Rattata.

Congratulations, Anna from Maintenance, on bringing another life into this world!  It’s a Venonat!  I thought that egg would never hatch.

Two Westport, CT men ran into a naked woman vandalizing a church last week while looking for Pokémon.  It was the first naked woman that either of the men has or is ever likely to see.

Hacking collective PoodleCorp has taken responsibility for an attack that shut down the Pokémon Go servers for four hours on Saturday.  The attack is already being hailed as the “least destructive in history.”

Jerry, you are not a “Squirtlekin.”

A driver in Auburn, NY ran his car straight into a tree while playing Pokémon Go Tuesday night.  Damage to the vehicle was estimated at $14,000, making it the most expensive Geodude ever caught in the game.

A New Zealand man has quit his job to play Pokémon Go full time.  “He’ll be back,” George Kite, manager of the restaurant where Tom Currie previously worked, recently told reporters.  “Last week it was his band.”

Pokémon Go, which links to many players’ Google accounts, has ignited a multitude of privacy concerns.  “Mark my words: it won’t be long before there’s an ‘Edward Snowden of Pokémon Go,’” Georgetown law professor Michael Braintree recently told reporters.  “My money’s on Golbat.”

I just caught a Goldeen in a Fika!

Retailers could soon begin paying Niantic, the company that makes Pokémon Go, to become important locations in the game.  Analysts say the development could attract a significant number of customers under 13, many of whom have no idea what a store is.

A new subreddit has been started to track strange “Pokéstops,” landmarks that players are encouraged to visit as part of Pokémon Go.  Some of the stranger sites include a strip club, a church of Scientology, and 875 South Bundy Drive in Los Angeles.

Spearow Agnew, I CHOOSE YOU!

-The Chairman

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