Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/17/16

Morning, eggheads.  This is your brain on drugs- business drugs.

A new study suggests that millennials are having less sex than the previous generation.  Their reasons for abstention include STDs, the economy, and other millennials.

Drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s son has been kidnapped from a restaurant in the trendy resort town of Puerto Vallarta, in what Mexican authorities are calling a “Monday.”

Wow, Anna from Marketing- Minnie Driver?  I didn’t know she liked women.

Justin Bieber has quit Instagram.  Sadly, just Instagram.

E! reality show “I Am Cait” has been cancelled after two seasons.  Apparently the network had reservations about the first episode of the third season, tentatively titled “North Carolina.”

Jerry, American involvement in World War II did not constitute a “land grab.”

Brendan Dassey, one of the subjects of the Netflix true crime series Making a Murderer, has had his conviction overturned by a federal judge.  In related news, Netflix is making a documentary showing that HBO is, in fact, illegal.

A recent inspection at an upstate New York nuclear plant revealed a “minor” radiation leak that has gone unfixed for at least four years.  That makes it the second longest-running man-made disaster in the area, after the Buffalo Bills.

This week we’ll be celebrating our proud partnership with one of our sister companies, Indigo Tajikistan.  They’ve recently stopped using slave labor!

A red panda that escaped from a Chinese zoo eight months ago has been recovered from a tree near the facility.  Shortly before its capture, the animal reportedly told associates that it was going back to do “one last job.”

Berlin, Europe’s rapidly growing capital of veganism, is now home to a reported 80,000 vegans.  “Careful,” the city’s mayor Michael Müller recently said in a statement, “this is how the Nazis started.”

Rachel Leigh Cook… she really was “all that.”

-The Chairman

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