Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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