Internal Memo for Friday, 9/23/16

Good Afternoon,

We’re hiring!

Currently seeking any active or dormant paramilitary groups (not necessarily American!) as a contingency for the upcoming election.  If you know of any, send ‘em along!

Please don’t mention the word “coup.”

BUSINESS.

A Zimbabwean man recently caught having sex with a donkey claimed it was a human prostitute who had changed forms.  “I just don’t know what happened,” the man insisted when questioned by police.  “Last thing I remember I told her I liked ass play.”

Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner revealed that she and costar Maisie Williams have gotten matching tattoos related to the show.  As a result, Turner said neither woman has been allowed to engage in sex of any kind, as it might constitute a spoiler.

Anna from Accounts Receivable really hit the jackpot!  Maybe I should get a divorce….

A sinkhole in Florida has caused wastewater to leak into a large aquifer full of drinking water.  It represents an example of a rare geological phenomenon: a sinkhole within a shithole.

Apple’s recently released (and widely derided) iOS 10 mobile operating system contains a pornographic GIF of a character from My Little Pony.  In a statement, Apple has called it “a little gift for the early adopters.”

Jerry, Colin Kaepernick is not your “spirit animal.”

A lasting conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is the clone of former Satanist leader Zeena Lavey has found new life online.  Swift’s ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal has called the rumor “ridiculous,” asserting that Swift herself “is Satan.”

The main attraction at North Korea’s recently reopened national zoo in Pyongyang is the “dog pavilion,” which features a number of different breeds of canine.  The area is popular in part because North Koreans are not used to seeing dogs not labeled “pork.”

Rub-a-dub-dub!  Don’t forget the company car wash is this Saturday (tomorrow) at noon in the south parking lot!  This year’s charity is the Syrian refugees that will be washing your car!

A new pipeline carrying 4,000 liters of beer an hour has opened in Bruges, Belgium.  Three people have since drowned.

In a recent interview with DuJour Magazine, Melania Trump said that her husband Donald is “not Hitler.”  “But,” she added, “he’s working harder every day.”

No memo last week… too many interviews!

We lost a lot of good men at that table…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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