Internal Memo for Friday, 9/23/16

Good Afternoon,

We’re hiring!

Currently seeking any active or dormant paramilitary groups (not necessarily American!) as a contingency for the upcoming election.  If you know of any, send ‘em along!

Please don’t mention the word “coup.”

BUSINESS.

A Zimbabwean man recently caught having sex with a donkey claimed it was a human prostitute who had changed forms.  “I just don’t know what happened,” the man insisted when questioned by police.  “Last thing I remember I told her I liked ass play.”

Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner revealed that she and costar Maisie Williams have gotten matching tattoos related to the show.  As a result, Turner said neither woman has been allowed to engage in sex of any kind, as it might constitute a spoiler.

Anna from Accounts Receivable really hit the jackpot!  Maybe I should get a divorce….

A sinkhole in Florida has caused wastewater to leak into a large aquifer full of drinking water.  It represents an example of a rare geological phenomenon: a sinkhole within a shithole.

Apple’s recently released (and widely derided) iOS 10 mobile operating system contains a pornographic GIF of a character from My Little Pony.  In a statement, Apple has called it “a little gift for the early adopters.”

Jerry, Colin Kaepernick is not your “spirit animal.”

A lasting conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is the clone of former Satanist leader Zeena Lavey has found new life online.  Swift’s ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal has called the rumor “ridiculous,” asserting that Swift herself “is Satan.”

The main attraction at North Korea’s recently reopened national zoo in Pyongyang is the “dog pavilion,” which features a number of different breeds of canine.  The area is popular in part because North Koreans are not used to seeing dogs not labeled “pork.”

Rub-a-dub-dub!  Don’t forget the company car wash is this Saturday (tomorrow) at noon in the south parking lot!  This year’s charity is the Syrian refugees that will be washing your car!

A new pipeline carrying 4,000 liters of beer an hour has opened in Bruges, Belgium.  Three people have since drowned.

In a recent interview with DuJour Magazine, Melania Trump said that her husband Donald is “not Hitler.”  “But,” she added, “he’s working harder every day.”

No memo last week… too many interviews!

We lost a lot of good men at that table…

-The Chairman

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