Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 11/6/16

T-minus two days til #Electpocalypse©.  Time for another late night information du-uh, MEMO.  Yes… sweet business…

Ben & Jerry’s and New Belgium Brewing have teamed up to create a chocolate chip cookie dough ale, available now in select states.  Industry experts are calling the new brew “a pedophile’s dream.”

Archaeologists have unearthed a corpse in northwestern China that was buried under a shroud of cannabis.  Those same archaeologists were devastated to discover the skeleton was actually a prop from the upcoming Chinese remake of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Paging Anna from Legal.  Anna from Legal, you left your black velvet bra on the table in Conference Room B.  PS- Nice!

A Ukrainian prankster who tried to kiss Kim Kardashian’s butt in the days before she was robbed at Paris fashion week claims he was using the stunt to advocate for natural beauty.  “Yeah, yup, oh yeah,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the man’s defense.  “Me too.”

In further Kardashian knews, Kim and her husband Kanye Wests’ former bodyguard tells the New York Daily News that he thinks the aforementioned robbery may have been an elaborate publicity stunt.  “I’m not saying they’re lying, I’m just saying they know how to fool a very large number of people,” now-actor Steve Stanulis told the paper.  “I mean, her dad convinced everyone he was a dude for a pretty long time.”

Jerry, you are not polling better than Jill Stein.

Glee actress Dianna Agron has married Mumford and Sons’ singer Winston Marshall.  The bride and groom are said to have a lot in common, including pretending that its 2009 forever.

The Pentagon announced that a top al Qaeda leader has been killed in an airstrike in Afghanistan.  “Unfortunately,” Pentagon defense analyst Richard Morgan wrote in a statement, “that still leaves 33,000 of Hillary Clinton’s emails unaccounted for.”

Company fantasy football league update: Graham Gano remains available.

A new report from ocean conservation group Oceana shows that 20% of all seafood served worldwide is mislabeled, costing consumers about $15 billion annually.  “Huh,” said computer programmer Segun Akindele when told about the news, “I didn’t know bankers were getting into fish.”

Tesla CEO Elon Musk is still trying to figure out why his SpaceX Falcon 9 Spacecraft exploded before takeoff several weeks ago.  “As the smartest person in the world, I’m very frustrated,” Musk told reporters.  “Somebody fucked up- possibly everybody.  Everybody but me.”

Wow, so much election news!  And not a single story of businesses destroying the environment, pension funds or the housing market…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman

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