Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/22/17

Helloooooooooo, потенциал национальной безопасности Советники! Я думал, что “МакМастер” был довольно прохладный Кодовое нашей инфильтрации. Он удивительно реалистичное, не так ли? Спасибо, спасибо … Я binged Westworld на прошлой неделе. БИЗНЕС.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and New York’s Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect recently traded barbs on Twitter following a rash of anti-Semitic incidents around the US.  The latter is reportedly distressed by the former’s intention to create the need for many more such centers in the future.

Canadian conglomerate Restaurant Brands, which owns both Burger King and Tim Hortons, is nearing a deal to acquire fried chicken chain Popeyes.  If the purchase is successful, the company will be responsible for approximately 32% of all heart attacks in North America each year.

Анна из сельского хозяйства, Вы уверены, что знаете, как коллективизировать! О времени кто-то сделал это правильно.

Republicans in Congress have declared their intentions to roll back the Endangered Species Act.  Many expect the decision will backfire in two years, when it will no longer be there to protect them.

The 2017 Eurovision song competition is in jeopardy after 21 members of the Ukrainian organizing team quit following a change of leadership.  Various European countries have since expressed surprise that Vladimir Putin would start his coup with the Eurovision organizing team.

Джерри, Чернобыль не был “ложный флаг”.

Notorious Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says that Americans should give Donald Trump a chance.  “I didn’t kill 20,000 civilians overnight,” Mugabe said in a recent press conference.  “I worked up to it.”

Breitbart “News” senior editor Milo Yiannopolous has resigned after his past comments condoning pedophilia were uncovered.  Yiannopolous claims his remarks were taken out of context, an excuse experts say won’t work at his next position in hell.

Завтра Национальная оборона Дня Отечества! Помните … нет ничего за его пределами.

Scientists have created, and subsequently destroyed, the first half-human, half-pig embryo, but not before Donald Trump says it voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election.

The United States Tennis Association has formally apologized to Germany for performing the country’s Nazi-era national anthem before a recent Fed Cup match.  “We are deeply, deeply sorry,” USTA spokesperson Matt Griner told members of the German media, “for assuming you were on our side.”

Как мой русский бабушка говорила: «Без науки нет пыток, и мы все здесь для науки».

– председатель

PS- Я извиняюсь за ранее анекдоте Евровидения. Будьте уверены, что я убил гей-цыгана, который отвечает за него. Приветствую.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/15/17

Good Morning,

First, I’d like to go over the Chairman’s schedule for the day:

At 10:30, he has a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, a close personal friend, over traditional Japanese scones and crumpets.

At 11:30, he plays golf.

At 3:30, he resolves to no longer answer any questions regarding his administration’s ties to foreign governments, especially Russia’s.  Period.

At 3:35, he takes a nap.

At 4:00, he asks all readers of this memo/journalists to congregate in conference room B.  He then plans to firebomb said conference room in a successful attempt to rid himself of your misrepresentations and lies forever.

At 7:00, he screens the hit animated film Finding Dory, which has been hailed as “fun for the whole family.”  Again.

At 9:15, he realizes that all of you are dead and he no longer has to report to you or anyone else on his activities.

At 9:30, he expects you all to issue him a posthumous apology.

I will now take no questions.  BUSINESS.

The state of Mississippi is considering executing felons by firing squad, electrocution, or gas chamber.  The state is weighing these new methods after its current procedure, living in Mississippi, was deemed cruel and unusual.

It is a little known fact that, since 2004, UPS has forbidden its drivers from making left turns.  During the same time period, drivers for the United States Postal service have made approximately 17,584 left turns, resulting in the deaths of 14,300 pedestrians.

Happy Black History Month, Anna from Diversity!

A Russian destroyer was seen patrolling 70 miles off the coast of Delaware Tuesday morning.  The ship’s captain abruptly changed course when he was informed Michael Flynn can’t swim.

In further Russia news, the country has reached an agreement with China to bypass the US dollar as the international reserve currency.  As a result, the countries will finally be able to pay each other in their own counterfeit currencies.

Jerry, the contents of the office refrigerator do not qualify for civil asset forfeiture.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s Venmo account has been discovered to be public.  His last payment was to a “V. Putin” for “;)”

A Pakistani court ruled Monday to outlaw any celebrations of Valentine’s Day in the country.  Despite the ban, many Pakistanis decided to commemorate the holiday by burning large sums of money.

Who will volunteer to be this year’s Oscar sacrifice?  We REALLY need Florence Foster Jenkins to win best Costume Design…

Hannah Davis, swimsuit model and wife of retired Yankees superstar Derek Jeter, has announced that she is pregnant.  Davis, who married the former shortstop last year, has called the child “the greatest gift basket of all.”

A retired prison guard from California has separated from her husband of 22 years because he voted for Donald Trump.  73-year-old Gayle McCormick has since vowed that she will never marry an inmate again.

I’m glad we put in those Skype seats… but what about webcam seats?

… too sexy?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/1/17

Hola amigos!  Es El Chairmanista!  Yo sneako a qui bêfore el Wall-e!  Now DAME MAS TU JOBS.

Fighting between Ukrainian troops and Russia-backed rebels in Eastern Ukraine has escalated in the past several days, with each side blaming the other for violating a negotiated ceasefire.  The rebels have reportedly lost at least five soldiers, including three who worked on Donald Trump’s campaign.

A New Jersey man has died after a dumbbell flew through his car windshield and struck him last week.  The incident is the 5,540th dumbbell-related death in New Jersey so far this year.

Great news, everybody- Anna from Legal has signed a new four-year contract!  Although I can’t imagine what legal action she could possibly take during that time…

Peyton Manning appeared alongside Donald Trump as a speaker at the GOP retreat in Philadelphia last week, sparking renewed debate about the long-term effects of concussions.

A disturbing new Stanford study shows that 12 out of 10 middle school, high school, and college students can’t tell the difference between real and fake news.

Jerry, you are not “the office Sally Yates.”

Actress Mary Tyler Moore died last week at the age of 80, proving once and for all that working women can’t have it all.

According to reports, some senior members of the Trump White House maintained private email accounts on a Republican National Committee server until last week.  All have since disabled said accounts, except for Steve Bannon, who refused to delete what he called “20 years of research on the Jews.”

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe… and that’s animal abuse!  To learn more workplace dos and don’ts, stop by our annual HR luncheon this Friday at 1 PM in Conference Room C.  Don’t forget your toothbrush!

Donald Trump’s visit to Palm Beach, FL this weekend will be his second vacation since being sworn in as president two weeks ago.  Unfortunately, neither appears to be permanent.

A Nazi-themed café in Indonesia has shut down due to a lack of customers, but the owner says he plans on reopening in a more “strategic” location.  “People don’t love Nazis here, but I have found a place where they do,” owner Henry Mulyana told local reporters.  “The American White House.”

Yo quiero (a) Taco Bell (staffed by robots).

-The Chairman

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