Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/15/17

Good Morning,

First, I’d like to go over the Chairman’s schedule for the day:

At 10:30, he has a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, a close personal friend, over traditional Japanese scones and crumpets.

At 11:30, he plays golf.

At 3:30, he resolves to no longer answer any questions regarding his administration’s ties to foreign governments, especially Russia’s.  Period.

At 3:35, he takes a nap.

At 4:00, he asks all readers of this memo/journalists to congregate in conference room B.  He then plans to firebomb said conference room in a successful attempt to rid himself of your misrepresentations and lies forever.

At 7:00, he screens the hit animated film Finding Dory, which has been hailed as “fun for the whole family.”  Again.

At 9:15, he realizes that all of you are dead and he no longer has to report to you or anyone else on his activities.

At 9:30, he expects you all to issue him a posthumous apology.

I will now take no questions.  BUSINESS.

The state of Mississippi is considering executing felons by firing squad, electrocution, or gas chamber.  The state is weighing these new methods after its current procedure, living in Mississippi, was deemed cruel and unusual.

It is a little known fact that, since 2004, UPS has forbidden its drivers from making left turns.  During the same time period, drivers for the United States Postal service have made approximately 17,584 left turns, resulting in the deaths of 14,300 pedestrians.

Happy Black History Month, Anna from Diversity!

A Russian destroyer was seen patrolling 70 miles off the coast of Delaware Tuesday morning.  The ship’s captain abruptly changed course when he was informed Michael Flynn can’t swim.

In further Russia news, the country has reached an agreement with China to bypass the US dollar as the international reserve currency.  As a result, the countries will finally be able to pay each other in their own counterfeit currencies.

Jerry, the contents of the office refrigerator do not qualify for civil asset forfeiture.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s Venmo account has been discovered to be public.  His last payment was to a “V. Putin” for “;)”

A Pakistani court ruled Monday to outlaw any celebrations of Valentine’s Day in the country.  Despite the ban, many Pakistanis decided to commemorate the holiday by burning large sums of money.

Who will volunteer to be this year’s Oscar sacrifice?  We REALLY need Florence Foster Jenkins to win best Costume Design…

Hannah Davis, swimsuit model and wife of retired Yankees superstar Derek Jeter, has announced that she is pregnant.  Davis, who married the former shortstop last year, has called the child “the greatest gift basket of all.”

A retired prison guard from California has separated from her husband of 22 years because he voted for Donald Trump.  73-year-old Gayle McCormick has since vowed that she will never marry an inmate again.

I’m glad we put in those Skype seats… but what about webcam seats?

… too sexy?

-The Chairman

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