Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/29/17

Good morning full-time temps,

It has come to my attention that Donald Trump began this week by eliminating many of his predecessor’s safeguards against climate change. Rest assured we’re responding accordingly, by relocating our Miami office to Mumbai and getting into the lucrative sandbag market.

As for how we will make these “pro-business” measures work for us, I have some ideas. First off, Trump’s EO removes protections on public lands. And since he’s proven that everything public is also private, it should remove protections on private land, too. We intend to take full advantage.

First step: strip mining Mar-A-Lago.

Business!

Following reports that Donald Trump would defund Meals on Wheels, controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to the organization. Critics of the decision say the unsigned quarterback can’t stop throwing things away.

A Mexican newspaper is reporting that American students on a recent spring break trip to Cancun could be heard chanting, “Build that wall!,” to which locals replied, “Please.”

Anna from Transportation, five stars! That was the first Uber I’ve been in that didn’t smell like a public pool.

Last week, several women wore robes from the book (and upcoming TV series) The Handmaid’s Tale to the Texas Senate to oppose proposed abortion laws. Another woman was not allowed in the chamber, as she brought a gun from John Wick.

A new report alleges that Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor to Donald Trump who was found to be working as a foreign agent, did not to sign Trump’s ethics pledge. This is likely because such a pledge doesn’t exist.

Jerry, it is not “Sir Hippopotamus Boar’s Zootopia.”

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a task force, headed by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, to make the government run more like a business. That business is Enron.

Despite asking for an increase of $54 billion in defense spending as part of his proposed budget, Donald Trump has included major cuts to both TSA and the Coast Guard. “Not worried, not worried,” he said at a recent press conference. “Nobody’s ever attacked America with a plane, and last I checked we didn’t have a coast.”

Baseball season’s just around the corner. Get ready by stealing a home!

A group of scientists has created the first-ever stable helium compound. The discovery has given researchers around the world hope that they may someday create the first-ever stable Courtney Love.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has said that Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election could be considered an act of war. “Trust me,” he added, “I would know.”

Bring in the jackhammers!  All that oil under Trump Tower ain’t gonna pump itself…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/22/17

Good Morning,

Quick update on our March Madness pool: I did not fill out a bracket this year.

Business!

Hasbro, makers of Monopoly, have eliminated three of the game’s iconic tokens (including the beloved thimble) in an attempt to modernize the game.  In further modernization efforts, Hasbro has stopped production entirely.

A Ghanian soccer player is in trouble this week after thanking both his wife and his girlfriend after a recent match.  The player now claims that by “girlfriend” he meant his daughter, a nickname he said he learned from Donald Trump..

Anna from Accounting, how are those taxes coming?  Don’t forget we made a lot of our money in space.

Humpback whales have been gathering in unusually large numbers lately, prompting speculation over why.  “What they’re doing is perfectly natural,” new EPA head Scott Pruitt told reporters Monday.  “They want to congregate so that they can die together and, in a couple million years, become oil for us to use in our cars and jets.”

“Sesame Street” has debuted a new Muppet character with autism, whose name is Julia.  Or, as Donald Trump calls her, “vaccine Julia.”

Jerry, please do not AirBnB your office.

Vladimir Putin biographer Masha Gessen has warned of a nuclear holocaust if the relationship between the Russian president and Donald Trump deteriorates.  Also if it stays the same.

Former “Power Rangers” actor Ricardo Medina has pled guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.  Surprise, surprise: he played the red one.

Statistically, one in five of our employees will try crystal meth at some point in their lives.  The more you know!

According to the FDA, nine people have died of a rare cancer linked to breast implants.  All nine have reportedly called the disease “worth it.”

Europe’s first all-sex doll brothel has opened in Barcelona.  The establishment has been a massive success thus far, thanks in large part to its signature room: “Guernica.”

Who’s still in it- Indiana?  What about LSU?  They still have “Pistol Pete,” right?  I KNEW I should’ve picked them… GEAUX TIGERS.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/15/17

Slight weather-related delay on the memo today… you would think a “server farm” belongs outside, but you would be wrong.  BUSINESS.

The European Parliament has voted to end visa-free travel for Americans within the EU.  The move has been met with confusion by US lawmakers, many of whom thought Europe was one country.

A new study indicates that large swimming pools may contain up to 20 gallons of urine at any given time.  21 at a Sheraton.

Anna from Legal, you are KILLIN IT.  “It,” of course, is the chimpanzee on whom we’ve been testing our latest skincare product.  Report to my office immediately.

A Swedish city council member has suggested the country’s workers be entitled to paid sex breaks.  “Yes, this makes sense for them,” said Finnish Prime Minister Juha Sipilä of the idea.  “They have always been a country of whores.”

An Irish soccer player has been forced to pay an Elvis impersonator 230,000 Euros after an incident at a Dublin nightclub in 2013.  The €230,000 is €229,000 more than the impersonator has made in his life to this point.

Jerry, you cannot write off “corporeal depreciation” on your taxes.

In honor of International Women’s Day last week, German airline Lufthansa employed all-female flight crews on several of its routes.  It was a pleasant surprise for passengers, who were able to save on tickets thanks to the pay gap.

A Pennsylvania state senator went after Donald Trump on Twitter last month, calling him a “loofa-faced shit-gibbon.”  The man, Daylin Leach, is now the Democratic frontrunner for president in 2020.

Judging by the smell, jihad is being waged in our third floor fridge.  Please clean it out immediately or I will be forced to send in ground troops.

A five-year-old girl from Oklahoma has become the youngest person ever to qualify for the Scripps National Spelling Bee.  As a result, she will be eligible to enroll at the University of Oklahoma this fall.

Last week, a trillion-dollar asset manager placed a statue of a defiant little girl in front of Wall Street’s famous bull statue.  Fans of the statue have called it empowering, while critics have said that it is yet another example of the elites flaunting Pizzagate.

If anybody asks, I thought a/s/l meant “all (the) single ladies.”

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/1/17

Good morning, potential Best Actresses!  C’mon… we all know Emma Stone was a mistake, too.  Who’s gonna tell her?

NOT IT.  Business!

Russia is reportedly drafting a psychological dossier on Donald Trump ahead of the businessman’s first meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin.  The dossier is said to contain 15 pages of “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” in Russian.

The French army is adapting the age-old art of falconry to take down suspicious drones.  The practice is said to remove the least reliable part of the French military- the French.

Aw, Anna from Horticulture, you got me all choked up again… and then you saved me with your exceptional EMS training!  Now that’s how you do Munchausen by proxy.

According to a new report, the Trump Winery in Virginia has asked the federal government’s permission to hire more foreign workers.  The request is expected to be granted by the man who owns the winery.

Vendors say a new Philadelphia soda tax has reduced sales of sugary drinks by 50% throughout the city.  Supporters of the tax contend it has made the city healthier, as Philadelphians are now buying milk when they need glass bottles to throw at opposing sports teams.

Jerry, Moonlight is not “your story.”

A magician was found dead last week in a closet at LA’s famous Magic Castle.  The magician was said to be David Blaine, who suddenly awoke and replaced himself with the dead body of a different magician that he may or may not have killed.

Facebook now accommodates money transfers on its messenger app.  The idea is not revolutionary, as people have been sending kidneys through MySpace for years.

Do you ever wonder why some salsa is green and some is red?  It’s your corneas, stupid!  Come get them checked out at our yearly free eye exam, this Friday in the main cafeteria.  Just don’t drive there!

Potential convert to Islam Lindsay Lohan says she was recently profiled by London airport security for wearing a headscarf.  Authorities say that she was actually profiled for being Lindsay Lohan.

Japanese network Fuji Television has obtained footage showing the recent attack that killed Kim Jong Nam, half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, at a Malaysian Airport.  The video shows an assailant with long black hair crawling out of a well and slowly ambling towards Nam as he watches in horror until the screen cuts to stati- HOLY SHIT GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCODSOIEUJR –wr=w=r 03*@#U*=-

And the Oscar goes to…

Nope- not gonna fall for that one again.  NOBODY WINS ANYTHING.

-The Chairman

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