Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/1/17

Good morning, potential Best Actresses!  C’mon… we all know Emma Stone was a mistake, too.  Who’s gonna tell her?

NOT IT.  Business!

Russia is reportedly drafting a psychological dossier on Donald Trump ahead of the businessman’s first meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin.  The dossier is said to contain 15 pages of “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” in Russian.

The French army is adapting the age-old art of falconry to take down suspicious drones.  The practice is said to remove the least reliable part of the French military- the French.

Aw, Anna from Horticulture, you got me all choked up again… and then you saved me with your exceptional EMS training!  Now that’s how you do Munchausen by proxy.

According to a new report, the Trump Winery in Virginia has asked the federal government’s permission to hire more foreign workers.  The request is expected to be granted by the man who owns the winery.

Vendors say a new Philadelphia soda tax has reduced sales of sugary drinks by 50% throughout the city.  Supporters of the tax contend it has made the city healthier, as Philadelphians are now buying milk when they need glass bottles to throw at opposing sports teams.

Jerry, Moonlight is not “your story.”

A magician was found dead last week in a closet at LA’s famous Magic Castle.  The magician was said to be David Blaine, who suddenly awoke and replaced himself with the dead body of a different magician that he may or may not have killed.

Facebook now accommodates money transfers on its messenger app.  The idea is not revolutionary, as people have been sending kidneys through MySpace for years.

Do you ever wonder why some salsa is green and some is red?  It’s your corneas, stupid!  Come get them checked out at our yearly free eye exam, this Friday in the main cafeteria.  Just don’t drive there!

Potential convert to Islam Lindsay Lohan says she was recently profiled by London airport security for wearing a headscarf.  Authorities say that she was actually profiled for being Lindsay Lohan.

Japanese network Fuji Television has obtained footage showing the recent attack that killed Kim Jong Nam, half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, at a Malaysian Airport.  The video shows an assailant with long black hair crawling out of a well and slowly ambling towards Nam as he watches in horror until the screen cuts to stati- HOLY SHIT GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCODSOIEUJR –wr=w=r 03*@#U*=-

And the Oscar goes to…

Nope- not gonna fall for that one again.  NOBODY WINS ANYTHING.

-The Chairman

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