Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/11/18

Gooooooood afternoon, maggots! It’s another beautiful day on the corporate dunghill!

Remember, it is you who make this entire enterprise possible. For it is you who churn through an endless manure of regulations and government overreach, transforming it into a beautiful (and nutritious!) soil of profit. The smell alone is enough to bring a tear to my eye…

Business!

A Rhode Island nudist campground is hiring a lifeguard for this summer. Administrators say the position has great potential for growth.

Black Panther is set to become the first film to screen in a Saudi Arabian movie theater since the country lifted its 35-year ban on cinemas earlier this year. The film has been heavily edited, as it contains multiple salacious depictions of women driving.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on making the first contribution to your IRA! The company will not be matching.

Singer R. Kelly, who reportedly runs a “sex cult” full of brainwashed women (first reported here), now stands accused of grooming a 14-year-old for sex. Kelly has denied the charge, stating, “I haven’t done that since Aaliyah.”

In the months of January and February, the Hungarian government spent €8.1 million on anti-George Soros messaging campaigns. The figure represents a fraction of the approximately €11 trillion Soros paid to protestors during the same time.

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “chlorophyllia.”

A new “smart condom” promises to track sexual performance and detect diseases. “As Facebook has proven,” i.Con creator Mark Hubbings told reporters, “data is a necessary part of getting fucked.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given birth to their third child via surrogate, a boy named Chicago. Donald Trump has since called the child “a war zone” and threatened to send in the National Guard to control him.

Don’t forget: Monday is National Pet a GMO Day!

A Green Bay Packers wide receiver was arrested last weekend after joking about bringing a bomb to an airport. Once again, he was bailed out by Aaron Rodgers.

The FBI raided the offices of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen on Monday, in a move Trump called “a total witch hunt.” “He has nothing to hide!” Trump later tweeted. “HE DOES NOT OWN A BROOM”

Keep chewing up the competition, little ones! Maybe someday, you’ll fly away…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/4/18

Blessed Day Jesii,

How was your weekend? Did you get enough sleep? Maybe in a cave? Three days-worth? Then you woke up and showed your cool scars to some friends who told some other friends and suddenly you’re like, hella famous?

That’s nice. It’s also heresy.

Business!

Win Myint has been elected president of Myanmar. Myint ran on an enormously popular platform of economic improvement and swift execution of ethnic minorities.

Donald Trump has blamed violent video games and movies for recent mass shootings, suggesting a rating system for such content. When told such a system already exists, Trump suggested a rating system for such content.

Kudos, Anna from Operations! THAT was the sweet yet sensible candy bar I was thinking of.

Donald Trump has tapped his personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. It will be Jackson’s first time dealing with any kind of veteran in at least two years.

Rapper DMX has been ordered to serve one year in prison for tax fraud. He pled bark to all charges.

Jerry, did you sign me up for a Gap card?

A team from Weill Cornell Medical College recently mapped the DNA found in New York’s subway system, finding samples from 15,152 different species. Researchers were able to map every line but the G, which never came.

In a controversial new interview, Pope Francis reportedly said that hell does not exist. “In these uncertain times,” the Pope told an Italian journalist, “it’s comforting to know that there cannot possibly be any worse place than the world we live in.”

Gooooo tell it on the mouuuun-tain
Over the hills and everywhere
Goooooo tell it on the mouuunnn-tain
Frozen yogurt’s back at the cafeteria!

Following a lengthy investigation, Israeli police have uncovered “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with corruption. The police refused to recommend charges of murder as well, as they do not consider Palestinians people.

18-year-old Charlie Lagarde of Quebec will receive $1,000 a week for life after the first lottery ticket she ever bought turned out to be a winner. As a bonus, lottery officials will also give Lagarde a lifetime’s supply of cigarettes.

Jesus was my nickname in college. But instead of loaves and fishes…

… I slung hos and bitches.

HIGH FIVE ME GODDAMMIT.

-The Chairman

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