Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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