Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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