Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/6/19

Good afternoon, Ridiculous Partisan Investigators! How can you help destroy our democracy today?

My preferred method… is BUSINESS.

During a recent Twitter exchange with rapper Nicki Minaj, conservative pundit Tomi Lahren, who has previously used the platform to feud with rapper Cardi B, claimed that her ancestors “discovered America.” “To clarify,” Lahren later tweeted, “I am descended from smallpox.”

Japan has started a program to give away abandoned houses for free. After new residents move in, they have seven days.

Anna from Accounting, are you Imagine Dragons? Cause I try really hard not to think about you but you keep getting stuck in my head 😉

ICE agents arrested rapper 21 Savage last Sunday, claiming that he is a British citizen living in America illegally. Many in the national media believe the arrest was politically motivated, as one of the agents was heard shouting “This for real hip-hop!” before tackling Savage to the ground.

In further ICE news, the agency has been operating a fake university in Michigan as a means of entrapping undocumented immigrants. Students reportedly became suspicious when the school lowered its prices to $30,000 a semester.

Jerry, you are not “the straight Sam Smith.”

Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence is engaged to boyfriend of 6 months Cooke Maroney. She is expected to adorably stumble down the aisle sometime next year.

US intelligence officials recently told Time Magazine that, during a briefing on South Asia, Donald Trump asserted that the independent nation of Nepal and the independent kingdom of Bhutan were parts of India. “Honestly, it was a step in the right direction,” one senior official said. “He used to think they were parts of a woman’s body.”

How did you celebrate Monday’s National Poop Day? I couldn’t 😟.

The US Postal Service suspended deliveries in six states last week as brutal cold gripped parts of the Midwest. In response to the announcement, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh issued a statement reading, “Their drivers should have delivered because, according to the Constitution, if they had frozen to death USPS wouldn’t have been liable.”

Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring on Wednesday joined Governor Ralph Northam in becoming the second high-ranking state official to admit to wearing blackface in college. “I’m definitely not racist- I have a lot of black friends,” Herring told reporters after revealing the incident. “Actually, some of them could be white… I only knew them in college.”

The state of our union* is strong.

*my dick

-The Chairman

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