Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

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