Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/8/19

Happy Met Gala, poors! Who are you wearing today?

Oh, this old thing? It’s my aunt. She died last year.

BUSINESS.

A chartered Boeing 737 from Guantánamo Bay, Cuba slid off a Jacksonville runway last Friday, injuring 21. The pilots were said to be severely sleep deprived.

Soldiers in Benin last week fired on protesters following the country’s contentious parliamentary elections. Donald Trump has since tweeted his condolences to the country of Africa.

Anna from Finance, you be Meghan Markle, I’ll be the royal baby. I’m hungry!

Adele and husband Simon Konecki have split, reportedly at the behest of her label.

Intrepid viewers of last week’s episode of Game of Thrones noticed what appeared to be a Starbucks coffee cup in one of the shots, leading to speculation that the show’s producers will soon introduce Howard Schultz as a reasonable, centrist choice for the Iron Throne.

Jerry, that wasn’t Edie Falco.

Donald Trump tweeted Sunday that 2 years of his presidency were “stollen.” He then boasted that the next two would be “strudel, if not full Linzer torte!”

A shark found in the waters near Greenland last year may have been alive for over 400 years. Scientists were stunned that the United States existed for 240 of those years before jumping it.

Next time you go to the bathroom, smile- you’re on camera! After a rash of indiscriminate toilet paper theft, we’ve outfitted all on-campus facilities with state-of-the-art Japanese Zooirushi “Skippy Happy Bum Bum!” toilets. They see (and feel) all!

Since its inception last July, NASA’s newest mission, TESS, has discovered over 1,800 stars that could support habitable planets. Researchers have not yet found any such planets because they no longer remember what one looks like.

New York mayor Bill de Blasio is planning to announce his candidacy for president sometime this week. Aides say he will trumpet his signature progressive achievement: having mixed-race children.

Remember: wealth is a mysteriously accumulated and politically immutable force that must be displayed once a year, ostentatiously, at the celebration of a purely aesthetic nonprofit.

-The Chairman

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