Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/24/19

Members of the House Judiciary Committee,

It is I, Roberto Muellero! Yo soy Robert Mueller’s evil twin, sent here to deceive you with unsatisfying answers to your carefully thought out questions! I am evil because I am IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY. And you will never catch me, not until I get FREE HEALTHCARE. Oh, and I have 12-15 ANCHOR BABIES. Es perfecto!

Buisenesso!

An Iowa state official was forced to resign last week after emailing Tupac quotes to his colleagues. The man’s colleagues are white.

The Pentagon accidentally revealed that it has been conducting a secret mission in and around Washington, D.C. In acknowledging the mission’s existence, the Department of Defense said it had already fulfilled its primary objective of wasting millions of taxpayer dollars.

Anna from HR, thank you for curating our outdoor summer film series! Debbie Does Dallas was QUITE the opener.

Mike Pence’s daughter Charlotte is engaged. The vice president is said to be “relieved” that her fiancé’s conversion therapy worked.

Great Britain says three Iranian ships tried to block a British oil tanker as it navigated the Straits of Hormuz last month. Iran has vehemently denied the report, saying all of its ships have been in port being fitted with nuclear weapons.

Jerry, you did not color correct Alita: Battle Angel.

The United States government has fined Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations. The company responded by recommending several other entities for the government to fine, making a short video montage commemorating the decision, and determining FTC Commissioner Rohit Chopra is a Slytherin.

France is instituting an 18€ tax on plane flights emanating from the country and plans to use the proceeds to fund green transportation initiatives. Many of the country’s citizens are worried about the levy’s effect on tourism, in that it may not do enough to prevent it. 

I’d like to take a moment to recognize our Tokyo office. Is that… no, it can’t be. Is it? Wait a second… yup, that’s it!

A chess grandmaster has admitted to cheating by using his phone in the toilet during a recent match. “I never could have anticipated that I would be caught,” 58-year-old Igors Rausis said after the incident, “but then I remembered everyone who plays chess at this level is a pervert.”

Legendary computer scientist Alan Turing will soon appear on the British 50 pound note. The Bank of England is encouraging people to use the bill for everything except government-mandated sterilization of gay people.

Ha, you fools! It was I, Robert Mueller, all along! I have no evil twin (unless you count Ken Starr), just an unwavering desire to be seen as above the political fray, even if it undermines the credibility of myself and my team! And I will be victorious! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.






These preguntas are loco.

-The Chairman

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