Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/7/19

Dear Caravan Migrants,

My apologies for the delay in releasing this week’s memo- we have been in the midst of a MAJOR CRISIS. In light of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s disturbing testimony yesterday, I am instituting a hiring freeze on potential employees from all Central American countries. I am also ordering the erection of an intentionally disorganized tent city near Gate C at Parking Lot 5 to house all those who came for interviews but will no longer be admitted. For decades, these countries have been sending the company their worst, and we are just now realizing it. I have been asleep at the wheel, but rest assured that from now on, I will be very “woke.”

BUSINESS.

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack has suspended racing indefinitely after 21 horses had to be put down over the past 2 months. Experts predict the 2020 Democratic primary will soon be canceled for similar reasons.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, 7 million Americans are at least 90 days overdue on their car payments, a worrying sign for the economy. The news comes at the start of year three of the controversial Trump administration policy “Too Small Not To Fail.”

Anna from Accounting, 900 beads??

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek has been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When asked how hard the condition will be to treat, Trebek replied, “It’s not too bad- maybe a $600 in Potent Potables.”

An unvaccinated French child has reportedly reintroduced the measles virus to Costa Rica while on vacation there with his family. French President Emmanuel Macron has said he worries the incident will ruin the French reputation for being “an extremely hygienic people.”

Jerry, your “brand value” is not $4 billion.

Last April, police fined a Connecticut man for using a cell phone while driving, but the driver maintains that the phone in question was actually a hash brown. When asked by a judge why he did not eat the hash brown at any point, the man replied, “Cause I was busy on my phone.”

A novel antidepressant is poised to come on the market, the first such drug to debut in decades. Doctors are calling the drug “three years too late.”

In honor of this week’s NFL combine, stop by the second-floor cafeteria for your comprehensive physical evaluation! Remember, your short shuttle time determines your health insurance premium.

A new in-depth report by ESPN has revealed that disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy not only bet on games he officiated, but may have fixed their outcomes. “We have officially launched an internal investigation,” New York Knicks owner James Dolan said of the report, “into whether Tim Donaghy refereed every single Knicks game of the past twenty years.”

At a recent advisory committee meeting, Donald Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” Trump later said he meant it as a term of endearment, like “Mike VP” or “Melania Stockholm Syndrome.”

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a chain-link fence enclosed into a chamber on a concrete floor.

-The Chairman

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