Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16

Good Afternoon,

Today, I am racked with guilt.  I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…

And it didn’t!  April Fools AGAIN.  Ba-ZING.  Killed it.  Nailed it.  To the cross.  Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves.  Took it down and put it in a cave.  Came back and it was gone.  Wrote the Bible.  The rest is history.  JESUS CHRIST I’m good.  BUSINESS!

The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used.  The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.

Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65.  As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.

Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35th birthday!  Things sure are different down there.

For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.

Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest.  “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement.  “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”

Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”

General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing.  Who?

Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected.  When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me?  Please.  I’m far too rich.”

How about that March, huh?  Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals.  In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”

Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president.  “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally.  “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer?  Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child?  Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry?  Break up the banks!”

“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions!  What Panama Papers?

-The Chairman

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