Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME. Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.
A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader. The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.
Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town. “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”
Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi. The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.
Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria! She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!
Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.
Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone. Let them sell their cookies.
A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet. No one is safe.
Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside. “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”
The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what? Huh? Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
The office aviary has a new species on display! C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!
A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest. When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices! C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium! We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay. “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”
Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo. I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner. Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through. Monopolies!