Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/13/15

School’s back in session!

After an extended hiatus during our emotionally difficult (and financially lucrative!) restructuring process, I am back to hit you with some news of the world… like Queen!  But without the AIDS… last I checked.  Business!

A recent report on mysteriously downed Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 has concluded that the plane was destroyed by a missile fired from pro-Russian eastern Ukraine.  Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the report by releasing a statement reading, “Ukraine?  I’ve never even heard of this ‘Ukraine!’  I want whoever wrote that report killed.”

Game of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke was named Esquire Magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.”  The Esquire Network is currently developing an hour-long special on the actress, but will wait to air the program until after the Emmys, where its flagship shows Car Matchmaker and How I Rock It are expected to contend for “Best Unintentional Comedy Series.”

Speaking of “Sexiest Woman Alive,” nice hot pants, Anna from marketing!  Ah-OOO-gah!  Hubba hubba!  Boy, would I like to “get into” those things… get it?  “Get into”?  Yowza.

In the largest beer merger ever, Anheuser Busch InBev is buying SABMiller for $104 billion.  To celebrate the deal, the new megaconglomerate will be brewing a limited edition “Monopoly Lager,” an American-style light lager that will combine the unique types of urine found in both Miller Lite and Bud Lite.

Guy Pearce has taken to Twitter to confirm his split with his wife of 18 years, Kate Mestitz.  It is still unconfirmed, however, whether Pearce is the Guy who tried to blow up the British Parliament or the one who directed Snatch.

Fugitive actor Randy Quaid was arrested last Friday when he and his wife were caught trying to cross the Vermont border into Canada.  “Ahhhhh… a jail in Vermont,” Quaid was quoted as saying after the arrest.  “This is where Randy Quaid belongs.”

Yes, Jerry, I know he is now a “free agent,” and no, we will not be employing Jared as our spokesman.

Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to produce an upcoming movie on Volkswagen’s emissions debacle, a scandal that could cost the company up to $18 billion in fines.  “It is my sincere hope,” DiCaprio said at his press conference, “that this movie can do justice to what can only be described as the worst thing the Germans have done in the past 100 years: cheated clean diesel fuel emissions tests.”

Playboy has announced that it will remove fully nude pictures from its print magazine.  “We’re doing what?” said founder Hugh Hefner, 89, when informed of the decision.  “What’s ‘the Internet’?”

Don’t forget to watch the first Democratic debate tonight!  We’re sponsoring it, so we’re counting on plenty of product placement.  And tell your friends to vote Bernie!  He is toooooootally serious about “redistribution.”

Archaeologists believe they have discovered the remains of the Biblical city of Sodom in eastern Jordan.  Information on the find has been scarce, as thus far all frontline researchers have turned into pillars of salt.

Reality TV personality-cum-presidential candidate Donald Trump will host Saturday Night Live on November 7th.  He has reportedly spent months preparing the show’s cold open: his campaign.

Iran’s conservative parliament approved the country’s nuclear deal Tuesday, opening the door for better relations with the West.  The Iranian government celebrated the news in its typical fashion, by killing a couple of gays.

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for my earlier comments regarding Anna from marketing.  I would like to express my deepest apologies to anyone I may have offended- I was unaware at the time that the term “hot pants” could be a trigger for people who may have seen a very disturbing scene from the otherwise classic arthouse comedy Grown Ups 2.  Please accept my sincerest condolences and do not bring this matter to HR, as they are overburdened with all the layoffs.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Anna, you exude a very sexual energy.

-The Chairman

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