Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/14

Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME.  Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.

A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader.  The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town.  “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”

Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi.  The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.

Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria!  She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt.  Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!

Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
 
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.

Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone.  Let them sell their cookies.

A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet.  No one is safe.

Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside.  “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”

The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what?  Huh?  Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
 
The office aviary has a new species on display!  C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!

A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest.  When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices!  C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium!  We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
 
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay.  “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”

Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo.  I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner.  Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through.  Monopolies!

-The Chairman

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