Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),
In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control). Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.
Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day. “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens. “Does that mean neither one wins?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States. He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.
Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own! Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.
A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house. Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.
Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote. As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.
Thanks for testifying, Jerry. Big help.
On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.” Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.
Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.” “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war. BERNIE 2020.”
I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor. Case dismissed?
Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally. “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.”
Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has died. Parade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.
If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken. And you’re fired!
That’ll teach you to read.