Internal Memo for Wednesday, 12/10/14

Ding dong merrily on high!  In heav’n the bells are ringing!  Ding dong verily the sky, is riv’n with THE BUSINESS.

Girl Scout cookies are now available online.  When informed of the development, President Obama laughed maniacally while repeating, “Bread and circuses… bread and circuses….”

Actor Alan Alda has challenged scientists to explain the concept of sleep to children.  “If successful,” Alda explains in an online video, “you will have the opportunity to tackle another of the universe’s great mysteries: my career after M*A*S*H.”

All aboard!  In honor of the film Titanic‘s 17th anniversary, Anna from development will be hosting a nude painting class on December 19th in the outdoor cafeteria.  Rain or shine… but hopefully rain….

Last week’s surprise World AIDS Day concert in Times Square featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin performing with a Bono-less U2.  The Irish frontman is no longer allowed within 500 yards of Times Square after his involvement in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Electronic taxi service Uber has secured $1 billion in new funding.  Or, as Uber users call it, one thirteen block ride on a Saturday night.

Jerry, no one thinks you killed Hae Min Lee.

Just two days after his wedding to Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Jionni LaValle pled guilty to DUI.  Now, as per New Jersey tradition, the couple is officially married.

Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out during a party at Art Basel last week.  Fourteen people have since been infected with a previously unknown strain of what one CDC scientist has called “the Ebola of venereal diseases.”

If you’re like me, you so often find yourself wondering, “How did hydrogen peroxide become a thing?”  If so, it might be time to visit the office lending library on floor BBB!

George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush Hager recently admitted to “a little hanky-panky” on the White House roof.  Fittingly, “a little hanky-panky” was the foremost reason given for her father’s invasion of Iraq.

The world’s largest white truffle was sold at auction Saturday for $61,250.  The figure represents the most paid for a piece of fungus since Alex Rodriguez’s $253 million contract with the New York Yankees.

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays… unless you want to keep your job!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/15/14

Afternoon, dumbwaiters.  What can you silently deliver the company today?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, already in hot water for a controversial “traffic study” during his tenure, is being investigated for misuse of federal funds after Hurricane Sandy.  “Is the president leading the investigation?” asked Christie, “because he knows a thing or two about misuse of federal funds.”

New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  This is baseball’s longest ban since Honus Wagner’s 242-game suspension in 1899 for “repeated and willful failure to wear suspenders.”

With such cold temperatures outside, why not enjoy a cup of hot cocoa?  Anna in the mailroom has set up a stand in the cafeteria and staffed it with local homeless children.  Warm up and give back!  But not to the kids, we don’t want them hanging around.

Pamela Anderson has remarried ex-husband Rick Salomon.  Besides Anderson, Salomon has previously been linked to Shannen Doherty and Paris Hilton, and his life was the inspiration for the hit comedy Lars and the Real Girl.

A Southwest Airlines flight landed at a different Missouri airport than expected on Sunday.  The flight, which was supposed to land in Branson, remarkably managed to land in a place with more meth.

Jerry, you were supposed to delete those emails before the SEC started its inquiry.  How could I have made that any clearer?

Swedish doctors have transplanted wombs into nine women in the hopes that the women will be able to become pregnant.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Mats Brannstrom, explained, “Sweden is a socialist country, and needs more taxpayers as soon as possible.”

Last week, a Chicago woman accidentally shot a 65 year-old relative during an argument about whether or not her gun would fire.  Joeann Smith, 52, won.

Remember, February is Black History Month.  Please plan accordingly.

The 13th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” occurred on January 12th, with riders from New York to Kiev participating.  Despite the cold, instances of “accidental commando” were up 13%.

Germany has fined some of its major breweries 106 million, or $145 million, for a price-fixing scandal that raised beer prices almost industry-wide in 2008.  “This is our Wolf of Wall Street,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

A Dublin man was stabbed to death Sunday night after performing an illegal chess move.  One eyewitness said, “It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.  I mean, who tries to castle out of check?”

I told you this would come on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday.  What’s the lesson?  No more promises.  Goodbye, Winthorpe.

-The Chairman

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